Thankful

Today I think not only of thankfulness I have for family, provision and my God. Today, I am thankful for the tens of thousands of men and women who risked or lost their family, provision or very life to make sure we would have freedom.

Freedom.

Let us not take it lightly today.

Let us give thanks to the memory of all before us who made a way.

They made a way for us to celebrate any way we like and thank any one we like.

Let us be thankful.

Thankful that, for the most part, we can choose to practice nearly any religious or cultural practices we desire without martyrdom.

This isn't North Korea, China, Egypt or the 48 other countries in which people are killed for their faith. 

Rejoice that hundreds of years ago tyrany and opression were thrown off in exchange for freedom.

Freedom for Americans.

For you.

For me.

I lift a glass, a fork and my thanks in response to freedom.

Here is to your freedom.

To mine.

To theirs.

We are different. We are broken.

But, together, we are still free.

Today, give thanks for freedom and to those that provide for that freedom every day.

Thank you soldiers, leaders, and men and women who fight for freedom even today. Thank you for your sacrifice. Thank you for your service.

Thank you for protecting my freedom to choose how I live, work and worship.

Thank you!

The Missing Piece

Have you ever felt like something is missing?

Like, if you could find that missing piece everything would be better?

I believe this is very normal and that, yes many do have missing pieces. I am.

We are often missing pieces of our health. We are missing emotional wholeness.

We are missing pieces.

And peace.

This last week this made more sense to me. I sat in my chair and looked down at a broken piece. I was soon to eat it. It was broken just for me- a perfect fit.

God made it for me.

What am I speaking of? The body of Christ. It was broken for me and now, some Sundays, I partake of it.

I need it. His body.

Broken for me.

As often as I take it in, it is like I replace my broken pieces and fill in the empty places.

It is good.

Thank you God for your brokenness.

I so need your fullness.

Self Care

So, one or two of you might have wondered where my blogs went.

Well, this is for you.

As a counselor I seem to talk to clients a lot about self care. Recently, I had to take my own advice.

Life gets busy.

As a mother of two little ones, a job and schedule change for my husband and trying the blog and have quiet time daily, my life was getting stressful. I have also been recovering physically from pregnancy.

Though I was trying to push through and do more, I was getting stressed out.

Then my body started to tell me to slow down.

I had some palpitations.

I had a mild panic attack.

My body was saying, "Slow down!"

So, I listened.

I took more breaks, took advantage of my mother babysitting, saw a doctor and stopped blogging. I also allowed an occasional glass of wine at night.

I breathed more- purposefully.

I slowed down.

So, all is well. My heart is fine, but I still need to take my "own medicine" or advice and do some self care.

I encourage all of you to slow down. This world, especially it seems, on the esst coast we move fast- too fast.

We often don't take time to check in with ourselves. We wait till our life situations or bodies tell us we have over done it too long.

Don't wait!

This week, maybe even today, take time to check in with yourself.

Are you doing too much?

Do you need to slow down or do less to take care of yourself?

If yes, what can you change to make life better, easier and even more enjoyable.

I encourage you to be a little selfish, not in a rude way, but in a self care way. Focus on your needs. Take care of you.

It is important!

It's this way in an airplane. The flight attendants always tell you to put your own oxygen mask on and then help others. It is the same everywhere.

You are no use to anyone else if you aren't healthy.

Take a deep breath.

Take time out.

Take care of you!

Medication?

So, today I am thinking about medication and medical necesity.

I had some dental work this morning and because novocaine has been unpredictable in the past I have taken my dentist's suggestion and took a Valume.

Did I "need" it, no. But, did I want to potentially be without pain, yes!

It was the same with the births of my two kids. Did I "need" an epidural. Technically, no. But, my goodness, it brought sanity and an allowance for joy to the process.

Medical necessity is not exact science. Pain and discomfort tolerance is different for everyone.

Some people prefer to "tough it out" and deal or cope with their struggles in even an almost torturous manner. Others grab hold of helps quickly.

Neither is bad.

I am not talking about self-medicating in an addictive manner, but in a self care manner. Everyone has different needs and circumstances.

If you have panic attacks medication can help.

If you have chronic depression or mood instability, medication can bring peace.

If you are in physical pain, medication might help.

But, all these with the assistance of a doctor and monitoring for appropriateness based on need.

Sometimes, medication is good.

What about the argument that it is a sign of impatientce because God can heal? Well, he can and does... and in scripture.

Sometimes through the miraculous. Sometimes through medicine. Sometimes through doctors.

Sometimes.

So, is it bad to choose medication?

No. Not as long as it is medically necessary.

You need to decide when that is.

If it is, do it- If you want.

You probably use novocaine for dental work.

You probably take Tylenol or Advil for headaches.

You'd likely take morphine for major surgery.

Why not an antidepressant, anti-anxiety, or other medication if needed?

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and live well.

Oh, and before I get a hundred comments about side effects- weigh it out. If the benefit out weighs the risk and the doctors are suggesting it, do your research and take what you need to.

If you don't like risk, stop taking Tylenol, Advil and any other over the counter medication. But, if you have had enough pain, you might want to take some.

Within doctors orders and suggested dosages of course.

What to do With Doubt

Doubt.

Doubt is normal. There is a lot of doubt in the world. People doubt the economy will turn around soon. They doubt world peace will happen. They doubt their two year old will take a nap.

Doubt is everywhere.

People doubt God exisit. Many who even believe in Jesus doubt all the Bible has to say about Him.

Even those who believe the Bible is true struggle with doubt regarding the Word's application to their life.

And their struggles.

This is unfortunate, but it is normal.

Yes, you are normal.

It is not whether or not we doubt. It is what we do with our doubt that matters.

In the moment, when we hear bad news, see or hear a rumor or are in need, what matters is what  thoughts we take hold of.

Notice I said, "take hold of".

We all have far too many thoughts running through our heads most days. Many of these are steeped in fear and doubt, but others are full of hope and faith.

It is our choice to hold on to the latter.

I, like you know this is a struggle and a process. God knows that too. He knows we are a people of little faith.

In the book of John Jesus is noted as telling his disciple Thomas to stop doubting and believe.  This must mean that not only is it normal for followers to doubt, but even those who have seen Jesus with their eyes have to decide if they are going to choose to believe or continue to doubt.

It is a choice.

We all have that choice.

It is a powerful choice.

His Word notes that what we believe and ask for in prayer, we will receive. (Matthew 21:22) And in (Mark 29:23) he notes that everything is possible as we believe.

But, what if we choose to risk exercising our belief regarding these things?

Let's do a cost analysis.

If we choose doubt, we feel safe. We didn't risk feeling or looking foolish. Or, we can choose other risk like medical proceedures, savings banks and staying the same.

We like the same.

Change is risky.

Or, we could choose to risk having faith. We could risk being wrong or feeling foolish, we risk delay in doing what we could have done.

And we risk changing.

But, we also lose out on all the benefits that are tied to faith if it is true.

If scripture is true and we don't choose to believe it...

We miss out on eternal life (John 3:36).

We miss out on our prayers being answered (Matthew 21:22).

We miss out on a loving relationship with the creator of the universe who will never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

Wow!

Seriously?

Where are the teeth to this risk?

Though it might be normal for you and I to doubt, maybe it is to risky not to believe.

The choice is yours.

The risk is yours.

You choose.

Hello

Hi. Good morning.

I don't think I have met you before (hand extention and looking in your eyes). What is your name?

Mine is Carrie Ann.

Do you have questions or is there anything I can help you with?

Greetings.

Do you like to be greeted?

I do. I don't like to be accosted, just sincerely greeted.

I wish more people or, should I say greeters and attendees greeted this way at churches.

I am not a fan of walking in to have ten people give me a bulletin as with sales people at the mall. I am not a fan of the silent nod. And sorry, but the quiet hi and look away also does nothing for me.

I want to be greeted-

Looked in the eye and welcomed.

Please, offer not just a hi and bye, but a who are you and a I am glad you're here. Maybe, now that you are here, I can get to know you as a person instead of a participant.

You aren't just a participant.

You are a person.

I am a person.

I feel this is genuinely missing at most churches, so no finger pointing to any in particular. I have attended many.

I think in part it is just the concession mentality of this world trickling in with a bit of selfish distraction.

Next please...

I am not just a next. You are not a next.

Sometimes retail stores are better at welcoming than churches. Alas, they have a motive though, right?

Well, don't churches?

Isn't the motive to reach out to individuals and love them into the Kingdom for the Lord?

This motive should motivate.

No, there is no sales quota. There is no commission... Just souls.

Souls that are broken need to feel welcome so they can connect, learn, be loved, be healed and be transformed.

I have been and still tend to be one of these.

I want to be welcomed, known, and if possible, loved and even understood.

If I am a number, let me go to the deli.

I am not a number and at church, to truly eat there must be love not roast beef.

At church, I am not looking to be fed food. I am looking to be fed by the love of the Lord.

And to feed others.

Greeter or member, you are the vessel of that love, the love that nourishes. You hold it so it can be poured out upon those who come gather.

Feed me. Feed the attendees.

Feed the guests.

Start the dinner party.

The appetizer, dinner and dessert are all love.

Serve it up!

Accomplishments

Accomplishments.

Every once in a while we really need one. We thrive one them.

They are the "yeah" moments we congratulate ourselves for.

Small or large we need them and we need to take moments to recognise them- to congratulate ourselves.

No matter how small a victory, rejoice.

If you haven't felt like you have had one in a while, look back on today or the week and ask yourself what you got done.

No, the project may not be done, but did you finish part of it?

Maybe just making it through the week was an accomplishment.

Or, the day.

Take a moment to consider what has been done and rejoice.

Maybe it wasn't perfect. You are human.

Maybe it still needs work. You have tomorrow.

Maybe you need to give yourself a high five because of what you did do.

If you have a friend to share this with, even better. Or, if it can be public shout it out on Facebook or Twitter.

Why not, there are worse things out there and you might even encourage someone else to do the same.

So, maybe today felt kind of blah. Your week seemed to fly by or going by too quickly. But, the week is over.

It's Friday.

It's time to review and ejoice. You accomplished something!

Diving into Motherhood

Being a mom is a funny thing. It is not something that can be explained until you ate one, but even then it is hard to explain.

Other moms just get it because they are one.

Being a mom is wonderful.

Being a mom is hard.

Never before having kids did a mom spend 24/7 with anyone never mind caring for them-

not really even your siblings or spouse.

I mean, before kids, there were bathroom breaks. There was the occasional peaceful drive listening to the wind out the window. There were long showers.

Moms trade this.

But, they trade it to be everything for little someone's who won't understand the trade until they trade too.

It is a loving trade.

It's a big trade, but it is a good trade.

You get to know someone better than anyone else ever will.

You get to experience their firsts. First roll, word, crawl, walk, and later first day of school.

You get hugs, kisses, laughter, giggles, tickles, and lots of memories.

But, you do get tired. 24/7 is long.

24/7 can be wearing.

This is why moms sneak solitary bathroom breaks. They covet nap times and bed times...

They need a break.

Moms, like batteries, need a recharge.

It is normal.

It is normal to be cranky when they don't come.

But, moms must instantly learn to be surfers in a way. They learn to go with the flow and dive into the waves.

There is no other way.

If they don't, the waves or pressures can take them down.

Waves are tantrums, boundary tests, time outs and safety hazards.

There are big waves.

They come.

They come with the trade. When you decide to be a mom it is like deciding to surf. You are no longer sunbathing.

You don't wade in. You jump in and the ocean is cold.

The sunshine is glorious and there is a rush with every achieved victorious ride. But, waves come.

A mom can't expect to surf or parent without them.

But, when you get good at riding the waves, surfing is enjoyable even when you wipe out.

It is all part of the deal.

You need to expect waves, watch for them, paddle into them and ride each one out.

What if you mess up?

You just need to pick up the board, shake it off and get back in the water.

The beach was boring afterall.

I Feel What You Saw Him Say...

I don't know about you but I am a strong visual type of person. So, seeing stuff (a.k.a. a mess) around, it negatively stimulates me.

This is a trigger with a two year old, but I digress.

This blog isn't about my messy or clean house. It is about the three types of people. Yes, you are one of three.

You are, primarily, either a visual, auditory or kinesthetic person. Or really, a mix of these three.

How do you know which one? Well, what words do you use most? How do you relate to the world? How do you learn best?

Visuals, like me, tend to have strong visual memories, see things quickly and phrase things with visual terms.

I am such a strong visual, I can tell you what people were wearing when I last saw them. I know, it's creepy, especially to all you auditory and kinesthetic folks.

As a visual I also usually say, "I see what you mean". And, in part I do as I picture scenes in my mind as I read or hear them.

If you are more auditory, you pick up on sounds quickly and relate to the world more with sound and learn well by listening.

Visual people do well with pictures, but might not do as well in a lecture as the auditory person would. Auditory folks love lectures, books on tape and speak with auditory words. They might say, "I hear what you are saying".

Notice, these two types communicate differently. This can create communication issues, but usually not big ones. But, let's throw in the kinesthetic folks.

Kinesthetics are more rare. They are the feelers. I don't mean strictly emotionally, but that is part of it. They like to feel things.

These are the people that chew on pens and feel fabrics in stores because they like how they feel. Or, they won't touch something because of how it makes them feel.

They can feel strongly emotionally, but primarily, feel and touch their way around the world.

Kinesthetic folks also speak in feeling terms. They might say, "I feel like this is going to be a good day" or "I feel good about that".

These kinesthetic people learn by doing. They don't want to hear it or see it, they want to do it. They like the hands on experience.

Just to complicate matters, everyone has at least a little of each of these, but in different measures. You might be a strongly auditory person with a secondary visual and tertiary kinesthetic bent.

Or, a strong kinesthetic with some visual and auditory traits. We all have a bit of each, but knowing which you are most strongly helps.

It also helps to know which type the  person you are relating to is. If your your spouse, boss, student or customer is a visual person and you are an auditory person, you should try to "speak their language" and use visual terms and pictures.

This is especially true for teachers, sales engineers, and yes even writers. As you communicate, choosing the right communication method can make or break the communication.

Let's take word problems for example. Oh yes, my arch enemy. 

If you start teaching a visual or kinesthetic person by saying, "train A..."

Well, you lost me (a strong visual) already. I want to see the train. The kinesthetic wants to feel the train. The auditory student; however, said 10. That is the answer right?

So, pay attention today or tomorrow as you interact with people. What words do they use? It is a tip to their style. If you also determine your style you might be able to edit your output to assist with the other person's needed input.

Give the kinesthetic a model of the plans. Show the visual a picture. Or, tell the auditory kid in the second row a story.

So, listen to me show you how I feel about it.

It could make all the difference.

I Get To!

As a mother I sometimes get overwhelmed.

Surprising, I know.

Yesterday as I was grumbling I was reminded of my days at work in offices and how I would stare out the window wishing I could just stay home and play hookie.

Wait a minute. I am playing hookie every day aren't I?

Every day as a stay at home mom I stay home, at least for part of the day.

And, I get to play... Almost all day!

I get to go out and enjoy the sun.

I get to run around.

I have two play mates who I get to play with.

I get to.

Yes, the dishes need to be done. The food needs to be made and there are diaper changes and bottle feedings.

But, I get to play most of the day.

I had forgotten that.

Now, maybe you are thinking like I was, things need to get done and I want to...

Yes, they need to get done some time. But, as a mother, my first priority after feeding, changing and keeping them safe is to play with them.

This play can be free form or structured and it can teach all kinds of things.

It get to dance.

Run.

Color.

Count.

Sing.

Read.

Tickle.

And hug.

And 101 other amazingly fun things.

None of it needs to be or feel like a job.

I need to remember this.

It is a job and it can be hard, but it can also be the most fun ever to play hookie every day with your favorite people.

I get to!

Need Answers??

Hi Reader,
I am wondering what counseling, marital, relationship or communication questions you have. Let me know.
Really! Ask me!
I can hardly wait to answer!

Carrie Ann Barrette, LMHC

Please note: If you are feeling at all suicidal get help now! Please!

Call The National Suicide Hotline at

888-273-8255

The Prodigal Daughter

What would the Prodigal Daughter story be like?

May be that is your story.

Such a story is one that might be more enjoyable if you go to the back of the book and read that last page, skipping the rest.

But you would never know the whole story.

You would never really understand the heart of the story.

The middle of the story, that is the hardest part to read, but the most important. It is where the woman is at her most broken, most vulnerable time. She is about to fall apart. Or, maybe she just did.

The middle is the pain.

It is in the midst of the bad choices, the mistakes, the regrets. It is the part where you think there is no hope.

Are you in that part of the story?

It is not the end you know. At least it does not have to be. For some, it is the middle.

Or just the beginning.

For many women the middle of the story is the turning point. Hopefully, the turning point toward the most important choice ever. It is the choice to grab hold of hope or drown.

Hope can't come out of thin air however. You need something tangible. You can't just tell someone who is drowning that they need to have faith.  They need a life raft. They need to be saved.

They need a savior.

I know plenty of you who read my blogs might want to skip this one. Either you are too far in the trenches of the "middle" of the story- the middle of your mess. Or, maybe you just have never understood what it means to be in such need that the only thing left to grab onto is Jesus.

He is the Father's life preserver.

He is the fairy tale happy ending prince charming that every woman has been longing for since they first breathed life.

He is also real. But, just like any life preserver, it isn't useful unless you reach out and take hold of it with everything you have. Only then will that life preserver help you from drowning.

Only by reaching out to a Jesus you don't know will you find the Jesus you always needed.

He is real. He is desiring to help.

He is the Love you have been searching for.

So search. 

Risk.

Reach out to Him with both hands and have your happy ending. 

Introvert, Extrovert and In Between

Once upon a time I thought I was an extrovert. I loved being out and about with people! In fact, I could barely stand being home. After a little while, I had to get out and I was out or with people 5-6 days a week at times.

Since then, I learned more about what it means to be an introvert.

I also learned, I am one.

I need the quiet recharge, the time away, the solitude. If I don't get it, at least a little bit, I get a little... cranky.

Okay, a lot cranky.

I thought that because I am social, I must be an extrovert, but I learned extroverts actually recharge in social settings. The quiet down time that I need, they don't.

Now, almost all people have a little introversion and a little extroversion in them. Very few if any people are 100% one or the other. But, it is helpful to know which one you are more like. This helps you know what you need.

And it helps to know which one your spouse, significant other and or children are. This can help you read them and understand their needs.

This introvert/extrovert difference can strain a relationship if not understood. Let's say you are an extrovert like me. You need down time. Your spouse or child might be an extrovert. If so, they may wear you out at times, especially if you don't communicate your needs and set limits.

Likewise, if you are an extrovert and your spouse or child is an introvert, you might find yourself dragging them out of the house. You might even feel they are a little boring some times.

Maybe they just need a few minutes.

It is good to know the other persons type and needs. This way you can understand why they do what they do even if they don't realize it.

Communication about needs is essential, but it is pretty hard to communicate about them if you aren't aware of them or the triggers for such needs.

I sit quietly because I need to. It is my recharge.

How do you recharge?

Forget The Oil

Sometimes we think we have it covered.

We think we know the basics and that is enough.

It is often like that with God.

Many have a been there heard that-

Got baptized or-

Got saved and have the note in the Bible or video to prove it.

And that's it.

Yes, being forgiven is a once and forever deal. The blood was shed and one only needs to accept the gift of salvation once.

But, what about the gift of relationship?

Is that a been there done that?

How could that be?

That is like getting married and never seeing your spouse again. How would that work?

No, that makes no sense.

The Father sent His Son to the cross and then His Holy Spirit because the goal was relationship, not trophies.

Not fans.

Not servants.

He wanted, He wants communication. He wants to spend the rest of your life with you, not just eternity. He wants to be the spouse you tell your secrets to. The one who's shoulder you cry on. The one you rejoice with.

He wants to be your perfect spouse.

I just read Matthew 25 yesterday. I have before, it is about the virgins and the bridegroom.

Christians and Christ.

The ten virgins in Matthew 25 went out to wait for the bridegroom, the Lord. Five were prepared and were welcomed because they had oil and five didn't because they left and went to buy more.

Talk all the theology you want, but at the end of the day would you risk missing out on time with your groom to buy oil?

Aren't there two twigs to rub together?

There must have been something to burn.

Wouldn't there be light wherever the bridegroom would be?

Not only were they unprepared, they lost focus.

For Love, I hope I would have waited.

Even in the dark.

The bridegroom was coming.

Wait, He is here.

You don't need to go find oil.

You need not be distracted by your to-many-things-not-done list.

Even while you do them, or don't do them, He is with you.

He is with you when the commute stinks.

When you are up to your elbows in dishes.

When you pay your bills.

When the kids scream.

He is there.

Don't wait till there is a better time to talk with Him. Don't wait till the dishes are done...

Or till you have enough oil.

The Bridegroom is here.

Relationship is available now.

Forget the dishes.

Forget the commute.

Focus on Love.

And the kids. Yeah, you shouldn't forget those.

But, God is there. He knows the kids are screaming and that guy cut you off.

Don't wait.

Love Him.

He is there.

Here He is! "Come out to meet Him."
(Rev. 25:6)

Poop Happens

Today I am reminded how human I am.

I hate that.

Reminders come when things break.

They won't work.

Children cry.

Or scream.

Or have completely record breaking poop blowouts...

In the car...
When you have somewhere to be...
And there aren't many wipes.

Wow!

These days it is hard to stay calm.

Hard to find peace.

And it is hard to remember poop happens.

We are human.

It is this kind of day when I try to remember all the counseling suggestions I dole out. And try to apply them.

And often fail.

I am human.

I try to remember to sing, be thankful, relax and stop rushing. I try to remember I don't need to push myself to get it all done. I try to not care about things that upset me...

but don't matter.

It matters that I keep my cool in front of my kids.

They matter.

They are watching.

And learning.

They are not learning perfection. I can't teach them that.

What I can teach them is grace.

Forgiveness.

Humility.

And to get up and try again.

I can never teach perfection, but I can try to teach them how to deal with imperfection.

I am human.

They are human.

Humanity is imperfect.

Poop happens.

Neverland

Faith can sometimes feel like it is hard to muster. Like a muscle that is about to give out.

Sometimes things just seem too big to ask for or overcome.

Believing for a spouse.

A graduation.

A child.

A job.

To get clean and sober.

To be healed.

It is easy to doubt, to give in, to give up. It is hard to wait and hard to hold out for what seems to mean so much.

And be so far away.

Sometimes these come quickly and unexpectedly, like a thief in the night.

Sometimes they never come.

Usually, they take time and perseverance.

And faith.

But, faith isn't something we must produce. Faith, and the measure of such is given. (Romans 12:3)

Did you hear that. It isn't that we don't have enough faith or that we don't use enough faith, but that we don't rest in it.

Resting in faith is completely different.

You don't get tired or weary resting.

It recharges and sustains us.

Resting in faith; however, is the opposite of your first and even second and third instinct. These are to fight, flee, or freeze.

But, they are just instincts.

The desire of our hearts is to rest.

To trust someone else will handle it.

Take care of it.

Take care of us.

The resting is having faith.

When we rest in our faith that the Lord will take care of it- this is having faith.

It is resting even though it seems like we "should" be able to make it work- but the puzzle pieces won't fit.

We are to rest even though we think and hear others tell us it is "never" going to happen. That it can never happen.

Don't give up and enter Neverland.

The Kingdom is at hand.

All things are possible.

Enter His Kingdom's rest.

Under His rule.

God is in control. You can choose to rest or pretend you are in control.

Like a bed, you have faith.

Now get in.

Rest.

Change Happens

In life, change happens.

Not only do we grow and learn as we watch the seasons change, but we also deal with the unexpected.

The curve balls.

It's the moments you thought you had it covered.

Figured out.

Under control.

Then the unexpected happens.

It's like the time I had some of my closest friends come for dinner. The dinner was on the table- wine and all.

Unfortunately, my very excitable greyhound changed everything. When I hadn't noticed, he had cut open his tail which he proceeded to wag it happily all over the house.

Including the dining room.

And dinner.

At the time it was, of course, completely unexpected. (It looked like we needed to call Gibbs and his team from NCIS.) Everything needed to be remade, washed and reset.

It was not a fun experience. But it was an experience.

When it was over we still had a wonderful dinner, great conversation and quite the story to tell.

It is things like this that inevitably come our way.

Plans are almost always changed. No matter how well thought through the plans are or how nice the table looks- plans change.

Change happens.

We need to learn to ride with it.

To simply watch the changes play out and turn into the wind as they say in sailing.

Winds come.

We change course.

Food or direction.

Change can't be avoided. To attempt to do so would be done in vain.

To get angry about such change, to get stuck there. That is a choice.

A poor and painful choice.

Like a man resisting high tide holding into the dock post. He must give in.

The tide will win.

Change happens.

If he can go up and enjoy the beach or drown.

There is no other good option...

Unless he has a boat.

But, the winds still come.

                      Change happens.

Why Wait?

I have never, never, seriously never  met an adult who was glad they had sex with a lot of people.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have heard people boast about how many people they have f*d, but these are young folks.

They are in the midst of their mistakes.

When they are older, these are the same folks who wish they had never started such things.

Certainly not boasted about it.

Whenever someone, an adult, has had sex before marriage and opened up to me about how they feel about it, they have always shared regret.

They often share how empty it was.

How they felt and still feel dirty, even used.

They wish they had waited.

Thy wish they could have shared that specialness with their current partner/spouse.

Now, I am not just talking about those "Christian dogooders". No, I am talking about atheists, Muslims, Jews, and all the rest.

It's not just a faith or religion thing.

It's a heart thing.

Deep in the heart of humans is this deep desire to feel special, cherished and prized. Sharing oneself sexually out of a commitment steals from this goal.

The grass is always greener on the other side.

It looks satisfying. It looks fun.

Glamerous.

Maybe it even looks like you are a champion of the catch.

Thank you MTV, music, movies, and magazines. Yes, the web too.

The media portrays a lie that sex before or outside of commitment looks like it feels great, sounds like it will almost fill the gap in desire.

Afterall, don't they all look happy?

Sadly, what you don't see is the heart of these people later on. 

The real deal about all that free for all sex is that it is like eating pixi stix when you could wait for your six course filet mignon prepared by Wolfgang Puck.

Or, maybe you were the snack.

In hind sight, this is regretful to say the least.

"How could I have been so stupid?" they ask. Or, you ask.

The problem is impatience.

Mankind is famous for it.

We are generally too darn impatient to hold out for the satisfying and settle for the snack.

The quick fix.

The regret.

After all, we can clean up the mess later.

Really? How?

But, its hard to tell someone this unless they have been there and done that.

Regret is hard to explain.

This is especially true if you are trying to explain this to young folks who surely know better than their elders. After all, it won't happen to them. They are different...

But, though they may be different that night, they won't necessarily feel special in the morning.

Or cherished over the long term.

Not if they are just one of someone's many pixi stix.

Maybe someday there will be a way for folks to get a glimpse of their future "what if" consequence beforehand.

Till then, maybe more "old folks"- more of the been there done that adults could be open and humble.

Maybe they could share their experience- the regret.

Maybe they could reach just one young person.

Maybe you could.

Let's Talk About Sex

When is the last time you talked about sex with your partner?

Oh, did I just make you blush?

It shouldn't. If you are having it you might as well talk about it.

Can't bring yourself to use the right words, fine. Call things whatever you want, but talk about what you are doing or not doing with them.

Or, without them.

Sex, like anything else must be edited and refined. It is like a song with two instruments.

And these instruments need to play well together.

What do you talk about?

Well, what feels good. What doesn't.

When it hurts. 

And what you day dream about doing.

Yes, really.

Is it a risk? Yes, but there are thousands, maybe millions of risks you take in a relationship.

The risks are usually worth it.

What if you mentioned what you daydream about and your partner is up for it.

What if they really don't care for that either.

What if it leads you to the best sex ever...

Worth it?

I bet you risked more on the way to the office.

Afterall, that day dream revved your engine and your gas pedal.

Check Yourself!

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Years ago there was a song by Ice Cube wherein were these very lyrics. Though I don't necessarily promote the song, I do promote the phrase.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself, your marriage, your job, anything.

Check what?

Your internal dialogue.

It can make a mess!

Can I guarantee checking it will change your life? No, but if you check it and edit it, you pretty much can.

Let's say you are in your car and someone cuts you off. What is your internal dialogue?

Or, maybe your boss is editing your work...

Or, your spouse is commenting on the well done chicken you made.

When the car cut you off you might have talked to yourself about their ignorance or their purposeful attempt to run you off the road. This self talk incites anger.

Let's edit or reframe it for alternates and accuracy!

Do they know you? Nope.

Did they see you? Maybe not.

Might they be on their way to the hospital? Maybe.

If these alternated are true why are you mad? Hmm. Kinda silly huh?

When your boss is hovering over your shoulder explaining how your work should be different and compares it to his wife's tasteless meatloaf this upsets you.

Okay, reframe- alternates and accuracy.

Might he be trying to help. Maybe.

Might he be under his own deadline gun? Probably.

Might he be sleeping on his friend's couch because his wife left him for a meat and potatoes kinda guy?

Who knows?

But, reframing the dialogue sure might help you feel better about it.

Maybe you won't call him a jerk and quit after all.

And what if you are the one who made the well done chicken?

Well, maybe it really is "well done"- they like it.

Maybe they felt bad they distracted you while you were cooking.

Or, maybe they care and are about to suggest you get a new grill this weekend knowing it's not you, but the old grill.

If you don't wait, check yourself, reconsider and reframe you might be the one on the couch instead of at the check out line at Home Depot.
You would have wrecked the opportunity instead of just the chicken.

So, next time you feel yourself getting all rilled up, c-c-c-check yourself before you wreck yourself and keep your cool like Ice Cube.

Fear or Wisdom

Is it fear or wisdom?

That is the question I am learning to ask myself.

It's in those moments right before you do something. One of two warning thoughts goes through your head.

It's somthing like- Oh, no. What if...

Or- Hmm, maybe I shouldn't...

In my experience, the "what if" is almost always fear based.

It's the thought about 101 things you saw in those horror movies you wish you hadn't watched. Or, the story on the news.

The other thought, the maybe you shouldn't- Yeah, that is almost always the Holy Spirit trying to share wisdom.

I heard this right before I began digging a hole in flip flops instead of sneakers. Oh, if I had listened.

It's the times when I take shortcuts or do things quickly. Then I hear it.

As you might glean, I often still think I know better and regret going forward.

Maybe this will help you do more and regret less.

A little clarity goes a long way!

Say What?

Say what?

That's what I should say more often. We should all say it more often.

We should clarify.

Most of the time we don't.

Instead we end up making assumptions. What a mess they make.

My wonderfully smart husband tried to head this one off early. Before we got married he said, "If what I say could be taken in more than one way and one of them makes you mad, assume I meant the other one."

Brilliant!

Fortunately, I remember that often.

I do so because he meant it. He loves me and wouldn't want to hurt me. He isn't a mean person.

Most of the time we should all consider this. Unless someone is actually hateful or mean spirited, and few really are, we would actually benefit from making such a choice.

If someone says, "Wow, you look different". Does it have to mean you had a bad hair day?

If they say, "We haven't seen you in a while". Couldn't it just be what was said without an attached judgement?

Even if they meant the sour version, wouldn't we be better off thinking positively?

If you want to jump to conclusions, maybe you should at least pause and clarify before retaliation.

Say what??

It would be something like, "I think you just said... Did you mean...?"

This would likely save most marriages.

It might even bring more relationships to marriage.

All too often we make assumptions and jump to conclusions that trigger hurt feelings or anger.

Instead of jumping, maybe jump back and take a moment to clarfy with a...

"Say what??"

Folder, Filing Cabinets and Vaults

Folders, filing cabinets and vaults. We all have them.

Our mind holds billions of memories. Each memory is stored in either folders, filing cabinets or vaults.

Of course, I mean this figuratively.

Generally, memory is stored as either short or long term. Short term are in "folders" as you might need that any moment. Long term is stored in "filing cabinets" and available for later use.

The "vault"?

This is the place where memories are stored securely because you don't want them to get out.

Your brain is so amazingly smart (or well designed) that it locks away traumatic memories. Not all of such get in there, just the really bad ones.

The car accident.

The labor pain.

The rape.

Ugliness.

Your brain knows what to do with these things even if you don't. The detail goes in the vault.

As a trauma counselor I have had many come to me asking for help. They want to open the vault.

There are counselors who will do this. I think they are wrong.

Your brain knows what it can handle.

Anything you need access to is either in the filing cabinet or will come out in due time.

Rushing it is harmful.

Again, your brain knows what it can handle.

This might be upsetting to some. At times flashbacks or dreams hint there is more, but my suggestion is if it is in the vault, leave it there.

There is a reason you don't have the key.

My Loves

Once I didn't know if I wanted kids.

Actually, it's really not that I didn't want them because having I kid would be bad. I just thought it would be too much or I wouldn't be a good mom.

I now have two kids.

I have two amazing kids that I can't imagine life without. They are more amazing than anything else in this life.

I look back before they were born and I had no idea what I was missing.

I didn't know anything was missing.

Life was missing.

Kids bring fun, energy, and fullness to life.

They bring love. An understanding of love that gives a remote hint about God's unfathomable love. Till I had them, I didn't know I could love that way.

I didn't know it was possible.

I also didn't know how much my parents loved me. I couldn't. I was the object or focus of their love. My understanding was vague, till I became the parent.

Love came alive.

I have kids.

I am unexplainably, unimaginably, and positively changed forever.

One of Those Days...

Today was one of those days.

Days when you want to whine, complain, and basically, check out for a little while.

Too bad Tahiti isn't in my back yard. The pictures of the seaside hammocks call to me on these days.

Today was like that.

I caught glimpses of my Bible out of the corner of my eye and knew that was exactly what I need, but I didn't have... well, really make the time to open it.

I had a bit of a worship song run through my head and I wished I could keep it playing on repeat... It faded.

It along with my peace.

It was like having a headache and not taking the medicine right there on the shelf.

It was like being hungry, but not eating.

Being hungry makes you cranky.

I was cranky.

Till I worshipped.

I breathed.

I listened.

I sang.

It's amazing what singing praise to the Lord will do.

Even if you don't sound good, even if you don't know the words or mess them up...

There is just something about it that detatches you from the funk you are in.

It distracts you and puts your mind on all that is good.

It is freeing.

Everything else fades into the background.

Selah.

Next time I will sing.

Tomorrow I will sing.

Now, I sing.

Sing!

Sex Part Six: Fluffernutter!

Okay, so you might have been wondering what in the world I could be about to write.
Fluffernutter??
Well, fluff is tasty. That big marshmallowy tub of processed sugar- yum!
The problem is it has absolutely no nutritional value what so ever.
None!
Actually, it's horrible for your body. It does taste really good though.
Fluff needs something. It needs, in fact is screaming for peanut butter.
If you have never had the culinary experience of a fluffernutter sandwich, I encourage you to explore it and experience it.
The fluff is sweet. The peanut butter is a bit salty.
They both squish and dissolve in your mouth while sticking to your teeth- a work of art!
This is like good sex. It has all the sweetness of a dessert with a good dose of protein.
I probably don't need to go into detain about the fluff.
It's the rush.
It's the excitement.
Let's face it. It's the big "O".
The peanut butter; however, is important. This is the intimacy. This is the hearty, salty protein. It gives the fluffernutter some substance, balance and sustainability. It gives you the energy for the long haul.
All of the previous five blogs on sex rest on this- peanut butter.
Peanut butter and intimacy.
If you don't have intimacy you just have sex. It's fluff, maybe good for the moment, but not lasting. You need intimacy.
Intimacy is the emotional connectedness, the mutual understanding and the oneness needed for long term, good healthy sex lives.
It's the long conversations.
It's the laughter.
It's experiencing and sharing life together.
It builds trust which allows freedom and closeness in sex and it makes room for openness and discussion about sex.
And it builds desire.
It is the hot embers or coals that stay warm even if the fire is low. It is the foundation for sex.
Couples need to spend purposeful time connecting, sharing and building intimacy otherwise sex will always be fluff.
And you just can't live on fluff alone.
I did not go as far as to decide what the bread is in the fluffernutter. Really, who needs the bread, get a spoon. Or, go spoon.
What you do after that is up to you.

Sex Part Five: Fasting

Fasting.

Fasting or purposely going without food isn't generally something we get excited about. Some fast food for religious reasons. Some for medical reasons.

With regard to sex, fasting may be for the same reasons.

Purposely going without sex for any amount of time can cause stress in a relationship. Usually in marriage, this is an unwanted change for one or both partners.

There are spiritual reasons to refrain from having sex for some time. Other times fasting is due to emotional struggles impacting the desire for intimacy. But, maybe most often, sexual fasting is done because of medical reasons.

I will not go into details here about religious fasting. You can research that elsewhere. However, I will note that partners need to do so respectfully. Such a fast should be discussed and be purposeful.

Emotional struggles hinder intimacy and at times, lead to sexual fasting. When a couple is having issues communicating or is struggling with life stressors or loss of trust they might choose to refrain from sex until such problems are resolved. Such fasting can be healthy and appropriate.

I might encourage respectful sexual fasting if trust has been broken after an affair or if a spouse is struggling with pornography. Both of these can blow a hole in trust and since trust is necessary for healthy sex, a fast is appropriate until the issues are resolved.

I would also expect a possible fast while a couple is in a transition after a great loss. In this case, the problem isn't sex, but the loss may be so great as to override any sexual desire for some time until appropriate mourning is complete.

The most frequent trigger for fasting might be physical issues. This would be anything from a yeast infection to cancer, a heart attack to erectile dysfunction. Any such health condition hinders sex and triggers a sexual fast.

The reaction of the healthy partner regarding the fast would vary based on the health issue and it's duration. If the issue is small and short lived, it might not even be much of a problem. If the health issue is quite large it may overshadow the desire for sex.

What I would suggest, no matter what the health problem.

No matter the emotional struggle.

And no matter what the spiritual reasons (except perhaps an affair), intimacy should not be neglected.

No matter what you and you partner or spouse are going through, what keeps you close is not the sex, but the intimacy.

Intimacy is the foundation. Don't fast that!

Openness is also important. Share how you feel about the fast. Do so gently and respectfully. Watch out for selfishness remembering that sex is a gift to be given and not a right to demand. The partner has every right to withhold sex for any reason.

The hope with any fast is that it ends, that it ends better than it began. If the couple can remain intimate, loving and respectful, it should.

May your fasts be few and may you break-fast well.

Sex Part Four: Leftovers

Leftovers.

Most people keep them around, but would rather not have them for dinner. Sometimes they aren't so good reheated. Sometimes they stink up the whole fridge.

This is the way your past sex life can be.

It can stink things up.

It can make a mess. Especially if it is mixed in with your current sex life.

Memories of the past are a reality. Our past impacts and changes us. It shapes us.

It can help, but it can also hinder us.
If you are struggling in your current sex life, it might be time to revisit the past. I don't mean remember a good experience with an ex to daydream. That would likely be harmful. I mean to ponder the past to see if you are using your past to judge the present or if the past experiences has been negatively impacting your view of sex.

Has it made you leery of things now?

Maybe a past partner made a negative comment.

Maybe things went badly.

Maybe a partner from the past took advantage and you now feel uncomfortable.

Maybe the person said you were too aggressive.

Whatever it is, process the thoughts you have about it and how they impact your feelings. Remember, if you change your thoughts, your feelings change too.

Maybe this new partner is trustworthy. Maybe you can learn to relax and enjoy it.

Hmm.. Are you thinking this does'nt apply to you? Maybe you saved yourself for marriage. Great! But, that doesn't mean your past has no impact on your sexual activities now.

In actuality, everything you have ever heard or taught about sex, everything you have seen regarding sex and everything you hoped and feared regarding sex spills in on your current sex life.

Yes, you too have leftovers.

Regardless of what it is that makes up your leftovers, you need to clean them up.

You also should consider sharing the impact of your past on your thoughts and concerns. I don't mean to share details. They don't need to know and they certainly don't need to hear comparisons.

But, Maybe this partner would be willing to do things differently if they knew it would help.

Maybe they need to know your reactions or actions aren't because of something they said or did.

It was the leftovers.

Some leftovers should be thrown away.

Sometimes old memories are just that- old. Maybe it's time to clean out the fridge.

Sex Part Three: Sushi or Meat & Potatoes

So, here we are at part three. I called this one Sushi or Meat & Potatoes because though sushi is gaining in popularity, it is different. Meat & potatoes is more the status quo meal.

What am I referring to? Well, many couples struggle to find common ground as far as what they think is appropriate and inappropriate regarding sexual activities.

With some couples, it can be almost as hard as trying to decide where to go for dinner. Each one liking a different type of food.

Whether the disconnect is about positions, types of intercourse, play, etc., the main goal is to find a common ground wherein neither party compromises their own self respect.

Neither party should ever be made to or allow themselves to feel taken advantage of or humiliated. Mutual respect for boundaries is of first importance.

For example, if one party feels oral sex, anal sex or a certain position is wrong it may be that the other partner must accept that. However, it may also be important for the couple to discuss how they feel about it and or what they fear they might feel if they participate.

With some partners, especially women, there seems to be a prevalent fear of either being taken advantage of or being seen as, a "slut" or "tramp" for participating in certain things. Many say they "feel dirty" considering or participating in certain activity.

If said activity is illegal, there should be no push to consider such things. If not, counseling might help the partner explore the thoughts behind their feelings and if those are healthy, accurate or holding them back.

Sometimes couples simply need to openly discuss their concerns. Often, when they do they find their fears or concerns are no longer an issue as they were misunderstanding their partners thoughts, intentions, views or desires.

Though talking about sex is uncomfortable for many, open conversation is the best way to explore and resolve this type of intimacy issue.

In the end, the hope is there is enjoyable and agreeable  compromise in the bedroom.

It may be that you always want sushi and your partner only wants steak. Well, surf and turf may be the right mix for you both as a couple.

Or, maybe they try sushi and find they like it.

Like with food, the options are nearly endless.

I hear there is a Super Buffet open 24 hours.

Enjoy!

Sex Part Two: Takeout

Take out.

It's what you end up ordering when you are just too tired for anything else.

Tiredness, stress, kids, to-do lists, phone calls, work, deadlines, dental work, kids, car problems, your boss, oh and kids.

Did I mention kids?

These and more are reasons why intimacy can disappear from the radar in marriage.

Life happens.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "This is the life"? You probably saw it on a vacation web page you parused at a coffee break. But, the life you live is likely much busier.

Life can sweep intimacy right out the window. Unless...

Unless you make time for it.

Like many things in life intimacy doesn't happen on its own. As nice as that would be, it's not reality so don't let the movies fool you.

Want intimacy? Schedule it.

I don't mean map out what you are going to do in that time necessarily, though that make add some additional spice, but get some time booked in the calendar and make it happen. Block the time off and make it important. It will only stay in the calendar if it has priority.

So, maybe you are telling me you are just too tired. I won't argue about the likelihood of that. It is a reality, but maybe scheduling a half hour of intimacy with or without sex is more worth your time than checking Facebook.

Your emails.

The sports news.

Decide what is important to you or
what is more satisfactory.

You might be surprised how much better you sleep after that scheduled half hour.

Maybe the laundry won't get done.

Maybe the call goes to voicemail.

Maybe you won't care.

Maybe even the takeout can wait.

You've got better things to do.

Sex Part One: Popcorn or Tenderloin

Yep, I thought that would get your attention.

I see couples for counseling. They don't often bring up sex right away, but many couples harbor sexual struggles.

This doesn't necessarily mean they don't have sex, but maybe it's just not what it had been or maybe never has been what they hoped it would be.

What are the most prevalent struggles? Well, here are a few of the top chapter titles for my not yet written book on sex.

1. Popcorn or tenderloin.
2. Take Out.
3. Sushi or meant & potatoes.
4. Leftovers.
5. Fasting.
6. Fluffernutter.

The titles are for fun, but they represent real struggles. None of these struggles necessarily make sexual intercourse impossible. They do; however, hinder intimacy.

Let's start with number one for today as it is probably the biggest struggle I hear about in sessions because most of the time, it's true.

Popcorn or Tenderloin.

Basically, men generally orgasm faster than women.

(Oh, my. Did I just write orgasm in a blog? Yep. The word is hardly said by clients, but let's face it, it is the hope, right?)

Anyway...

Yes, generally men orgasm faster than women. This is why people comment that men are like microwaves and women are like slow cookers. In a way it's true. And, if you want a popcorn snack a microwave and a quickie might do. If you want the tenderloin dinner or the real thing with all the fixings, it takes time.

Orgasm for a woman often takes time.

The fact that men can often orgasm more quickly is great if the female partner wants her partner to "get it over with", but it's not good if both partners want to orgasm. If that is the goal, time is of the essence.

As is timing.

A great majority of a trigger for orgasm is in the mind, especially for women. Therefore, this is the place to start, and to start early.

Men, if you want to satisfy your female partner let her know ahead of time. Be suggestive. Drop hints. Start foreplay early.

Women, if you want to be satisfied, start thinking about intimacy beforehand and keep it in at least the back if your mind.

Someone needs to start the slow cooker because you can't microwave tenderlion. Sometimes a slow cooker can be turned on high, but often women and slow cookers work better with a slow simmer.

If intimacy can be in the back if a woman's mind all day, it's likely turning up the heat later will more likely work well.

The second part of this is foreplay.

It's the appetizer.

It's the engine reving.

It's the beginning of the slow simmer.

It's essential.

Even if a "quickie" is the goal it's unlikely a successful one happens without forthought and foreplay.

Hold hands. Call or text a hint. Hug. Bring up an old memory of successful interactions.

This is just the beginning of course. Additional physical touch, caresses and such are all suggested. Don't be quick to rush things or jump right into intercourse.

Remember, a slow simmered tenderloin is worth the effort and the wait.

Mutually successful sex is to.

It is unlikely such success will be achieved without any of such time and attention. The more of this, the more successful interactions should be.

Sex, like a meal was meant to be enjoyed, savored and satisfying.  So, save the popcorn for the movie and start the slow cooker.

Bon Apetit!

The Truth Is...

You make me so mad!

Aw, that makes me sad.

I'll make you sorry.

Um, nope.

No one can make someone feel a feeling. Yes, really. Contrary to popular discussion and phraseology, no one can make you feel and emotion.

This includes happy.

Emotions come from thoughts we allow ourselves to focus on and things we believe. As our thoughts go, so go our emotions. If we change our thoughts, our emotions will follow.

Movies use this truth all the time. At one point the audience may hate a character and be ready to nearly throw their ten dollar popcorn... till the heart of that character is revealed, then the villan becomes a hero.

It happens that fast.

It's like when a husband comes home late to an angry wife who found a receipt for a diamond ring and airline tickets... She is mad till he shares his surprise- a wedding vow renewal trip to Hawaii where she always dreamed of going.

See how that works?

We make ourselves mad.We make ourselves mad, sad, bored, happy, whatever... it's all us.

If we reframe our circumstances or choose to think differently, our feelings will follow.

Not only is it impossible for someone to make you feel a certain way, it is placing blame on the other for something they can't control. It puts the other person on the defensive and it harms communication.

So, next time you are angry realize you control it. Instead of saying, "Oh, you make me so mad!", realize the truth is more like, "Hm, I am allowing myself to get angry based on my thoughts... maybe I should reevaluate them."

The truth makes for a lot more humility and can diffuse an argument.

So, go find some happy thoughts and enjoy your ten dollar movie popcorn!

Don't SEL Out!

Marriage is easy! Okay, that's a lie from the pit of hell.

Maybe that was true the first few hours... Or minutes.

No, marriage is work. It can be awesome. It can be really, really hard.

But, it can't be good without hard work.

There is no place for laziness in marriage. It's not that you can't sleep in and vacation. You can... unless you have a newborn. But, I don't mean that kind of laziness. That kind is purposeful and enjoyable rest that can even be done together.

I mean the emotionally selfish kind.

Selfish emotional laziness is the biggest marriage killer. It is connected to all other issues.

What is this you ask?

Selfish emotional laziness (SEL) is my term for carelessness in emotional awareness and self control that discounts the needs of others, in this case your spouse.

It's when you know you were wrong and don't apologise.

It's when you get yourself water and don't offer your spouse any even though you thought of it.

It's when you spend money you don't have on self satisfying items you don't need.

It's when you feel hurt and don't work out a way to tell your partner nicely.

It's when you disrespect your partner and challenge or blame them instead of attempting love and humility.

It's taking sides instead of being a team.

See, in marriage you and your spouse are a team.

A unit.

One.

If the unit starts to hurt itself the whole team implodes.

In marriage each member must remain aware that whenever they are not actively aware of AND working at controlling their care for the other, they are hurting themself.
My grandfather used to say marriage is 60/40. Some days you give the 60% and sometimes you can only give 40%. I think he was close.

Marriage partners need to attempt more than 60% all the time. This is because one of you will often fall short of to 40%. If they manage 49% other is giving 60%, great! The problem is if both are only able to give 40% there is a deficit.

The goal is 100%, but the goal based on reality is likely 75-80% because life happens. If each is attempting to give all they can and there is grace for shortcomings, there will be plenty in the hard times.

I once heard a story, supposedly by C.S. Lewis about Heaven that went something like this:

There were two dining rooms. In the first there was a feast on the table, but the people were starving to death. In the second, the set up was the same, but the people were joyous and plump.

What was the problem?

Well, in the both rooms they only had three foot long forks. In the first room everyone was trying to feed themselves. In they second, they fed eachother.

Think of marriage in this way. If you both work at serving the other, you both get enough.

As long as you don't SEL out your partner, you can get through the times when things get really rough because there will be a history of team effort to fall back on when it is really needed. Without this, trust dwindles and grudges begin and there isn't much to fall back on when struggles come.

Be aware of how you are thinking and acting. Is it selfish? Is it lazy?

Are you SELing out on your spouse?

You'll only be hurting yourself.

Reframe #1

In life there are so many things to do and people we care about. At times it is overwhelming to take care of everything or protect them all.

Do you feel this way?

Here is an exercise for you.

List all the people and things you are worried about.

Here are some baseline examples for starters...

1. My job
2. My kids
3. My bills
4. My parents
5. My friends' salvation

Now list yours...

Once you have your list, let's correct it. Correct it you say, yes.

Here, let's correct my examples first and then you can correct yours.

1. HIS provision
2. HIS kids
3. HIS provision
4. HIS Beloved Children
5. HIS lost children

Okay, now yours. They are HIS. Reframe your list accordingly.

Remember, He cares more about these things than you do.

Trust them to Him.

Cast your cares on Him because HE cares for them and you.

Aha!

Has there ever been something in scripture that you have heard in sermons, seen or even read countless times and you thought you had it. You thought, "Yeah, yeah...", but then things changed.

All of a sudden you read that section or verse again and you are awestruck with a revelation. You wonder, was that always there?

How did I miss that?

I recall this happening many times. Years ago I remember reading Zephaniah and though I know I had read the Bible through several times, this time I saw Jesus everywhere. It all felt new. I wondered if somehow I had skipped it in past readings.

Was it there all along?

It was like I was blind, but then I saw. I saw Him!

The Spirit was bringing things to my attention. I was so excited I remember bringing the Bible out to my roommate rejoicing as if I got a raise. It was awesome.

Why isn't it always that way?

So many times scripture can feel dry. It can seem like your favorite jeans, well worn and comfortable. But, old none the less.

I pray scripture feels new to you today. I pray we all get some of those aha moments this week.

Maybe you had one today.

Maybe you need one today.

It's a reminder that the Word is alive!

May it speak to you today!

Rain

Rain.

Things are different when it's raining.

People tend to slow down. They become more contemplative and are hindered from some of the rush. Not everything can be done when it rains.

In a way rain reigns.

It has it's way.

As I understand it, it wasn't always this way. Noah didn't know what rain was. Water came up from the ground.

Rain was something new.

It certainly does feel like it makes things new. Rain is cooling. It is cleansing. It is essential.

I believe God felt it was essential to us. We needed to slow down.

We also needed to wait. Rain doesn't always come. Well, unless you live in Seattle or Florida.

Rain comes sometimes. Sometimes when we want it. Sometimes when we don't.

Rain seemingly chooses it's own coming.

It is not reliable. We must wait on it's coming.

It is like an answer from the Lord.

Though reliable, sometimes we have to wait.

Sometimes we feel like we are withering in the desert... Then it comes.

Rain in the desert is strong. It is longed for. It is almost too much for the ground to take in.

When desert rain comes, flowers follow. When God's answers come, we change, we bloom we flourish.

We wait. It rains.

He renews. He cleanses. We bloom.

His answers nourish.

Rain.

Things are always different when it's raining.

The Best Worship There Is

Recently I wrote a blog about Living Water. In it I noted ways one can worship. I listed music, reading or quiet time and enjoying His creation.

It brought to my attention that I missed the best type of worship. I alluded to it in my last points, but negated emphasizing it.

This worship is that of replication.

We act like Him.

We do what He did.

This is the most honoring. In this we emulate, acknowledge and affirm Him as worthy of so much that we want to be like him.

Many want to be "like Mike". They aspire to be like their hero as they play basketball like Michael Jordan or sing and dance like Michael Jackson.

We have all probably known someone who was someone famous' "biggest fan". They probably wore their t-shirt, tried to copy them and talked incessantly about that famous person.

Maybe you thought it was a bit over the top. Maybe you shook your head. Maybe it was you.

I want to be like that.

I want to be seen as a bit over the top. I don't care if people shake their head. I want to be His biggest fan.

I want to make Him my hero.

I want to honor Him, worship Him that way.

I want others to want to know Him because I show them who He is as they see how I am because of Him. I want them to see how satisfying He is because my life represents a glimpse of Him.

A glimpse of Love.

I also want to do what He did in worship of Him. I want Him to look at me and my attempts to mimic Him and say, "Well done my good and faithful servant".

He showed us this type of worship as He did what the Father was doing. Now, we are to do as we saw (heard of) Him doing.

So, what did He do?

Feed the hungry, heal the sick, cast out devils, raise the dead...

Do what He did.

He loved on broken people.

He loved in people like me... like us.

Now we get to do the same in our thankfulness and in our worship.

He is worthy!

The Lord's New Prayer?

The foundation of Christian prayer is the Lord's prayer which is found in Matthew 6.

But, that was before the crucifixion. Hmm...

What might Christ's suggested prayer be after his death and resurrection?  Would it change?

Our Father is still in Heaven and,  Holy, but, what about the Kingdom? Has it come?

If it has, should we still pray it comes or be thankful it is here? If it is here, what else should we pray?

That His will be done in earth as it is in heaven? Yes. Presently?

What would that mean?

Do we ask Him to provide, yes. And He provided a sacrifice... Our daily bread. Our communion.

What more does He wish to provide?

Forgiveness? Yes. Done, complete on the cross and ready for the taking.

As we forgive those... Our job. Being like Him is our job.

Lead us not unto temptation. Yes, we risk falling.

Deliver us from the evil one? Done and still, He continues protection as we trust Him to do so.

What about the last bit? Not every manuscript has it, but it is true and good. Power and Glory is His forever indeed.

No, these aren't answers. They are questions to ponder.

It is, as is notes in the Psalms, the will of God to conceal a matter, but they glory of kings to search it out. (Ps. 25:2)

Maybe today is a good day to search.

Change

Change. Even the word in itself can cause many to brace and prepare for the worst.

Some say change is the only constant thing there is. Maybe that is partly true. Change is also inevitable.

Some change is good and welcome. Usually, this is the controlled and expected change. Maybe you graduate high school or get married. Those things can be good. You usually see these coming.

Often, its the change we don't expect that can be the most unwanted. When we can't see it coming, plan or prepare. That is unsettling, unnerving and undesirable.

It's when a the dentist you feel comfortable with leaves the practice.

It's when your company tells you their doors are closing.

It's when your route to work has a detour... a long detour.

And these, these are the milder changes. There are some with much harder consequences.

Sometimes; however, even the hard and unexpected changes have the best results. Maybe the new dentist is better. Maybe the new insurance offers more. Maybe the detour shows you new places, things, and a really good coffee shop.

That's not so bad.

So, maybe the thing to do is to ride change out like a wave.

Maybe, the change is challenging. Maybe, it shakes things up. But, maybe things needed changing. Maybe a too well worn a path unearths rocks.

Maybe we get too comfortable.

All things stagnant wear away as the waves of change comes. Instead, if you are the one moving you are the one that moves the waters.

If you seek change, grab it by the horns and seek it like a surfer going after a wave- then when a big one comes they dive in ready to go.

Yes, in the ocean of change there are baracudas and sharks, but even swimming with the sharks can be a rush.

Living Water

We are about 65% water. For this reason we must drink more water all day long, drink till we are full.

We drink more of  "us".  We replenish, cleanse and renew ourselves. Then what it excess and unclean is flushed out.

See, here I almost lost you.  You were stuck on the potty weren't you?

Anyway, this isn't about the bathroom. It's about life. Pay attention, you can use the bathroom later.

If we think spiritually, how much are we to be made of "living water"? This promised water scripture notes. We must drink this to replenish, cleanse and renew. We also overflow.

Again, not about the bathroom.

Sometimes; however, our overflow becomes dirty or tainted. We haven't drank enough for our "stuff" to be watered down. When this happens we make a mess. Our selfishness, pride, greed, and fear oozes out, becomes concentrated and is then smeared all over the place like the stuff from Ghost Busters' Slimer everywhere we go.

We need to drink to excess.

We need more of Him flowing in us than "us".  We need to be 65% Living Water.

John 7:37 notes, "...Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink." But, not just so we have enough. He said in John 7:38 that, "Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them."

Okay, so we drink this living water and in hopes, not only to purify and replenish ourselves, but to water ourselves down so more of Him flows out. We drink Him in so that others will see Him.

As we drink He also becomes part of us. We become one with Him. We fellowship. We are one with Him as water we drink becomes part of us.

How do we drink then? Well, first we must thirst.

We need to recognize our deficit. We are inherently born thirsty for Him.The Lord gives us this thirst. This is noted in Revelation 21:6 where it is written, "...To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life"

He gives us this thirst for Him.

Then once we recognize this thirst, we drink through worship. Worship, like ice cream has many flavors. The one I most drink from is studying His Word. However, many worship through music. Many worship through enjoying in His creations. Many others have quiet times and reflect in other ways.

However you worship, it is drinking.

As I noted before, we can't just drink once. Drinking, or worshiping once only gives a taste. It is also selfish. We need to take in more than enough! We need Living Water to spare. It must "spring up" into "everlasting life". (John 4:14)

This everlasting life is for others. If you have been worshiping because you are a believer and you have the Living Water within then the "springing up" of water is for others.

Who are these others? They are the countless others He wishes to have as Children and wishes to bless through you. Not only will He pour out this water for you so that you have more than enough, He desires to spill it, smear it, even pour it all over others till they then overflow.

So- as you drink your water, the 65% you need to replenish, worship!

Drink! Drink Him in! Drink till you overflow.
Then pour it out!

There is no risk of drowning and even if it gets messy, He will clean up.

Not What, Who.

I so often hear parents talk to their kids about what they want to be when the grow up. They encourage them to be...

A scientist.
A ball player.
A fireman.

Excuse me while I shake my head.

Parents, you have it wrong. This isn't who they can be when they grow up. No, your child will never be a ball player. They might play ball, but that is not who they are.

It might seem like symantics, but who they are must be different, better, more than these doings. There are thousands, even millions who play ball. If all the child sets his or sights on being is a ball player that is a hollow and lowly goal that is sure to disapoint even if they are the "best" in their sport.

What differentiates them?

If instead they understand there is much more to being than what they "do" for work, this can give them satisfaction especially if they are taught who they are is enough.

Doing is good. We need to promote, teach and congratulate doing, especially doing well. But, being is where parenting has lost an opportunity to instill greatness.

Be authentic.
Be kind.
Be generous.
Be loving.

Be yourself.

It's good to be you. You are enough.

Enough

Today I tried to calm my son who was beside himself because he wanted to eat. What struck me was that even though the nipple of the bottle was in his mouth, he screamed on oblivious to it.

How many times do we do that?

Could it be true that maybe what we really need, what we desperately desire is right in front of us? Sometimes we scream looking for more when what we have is enough.

I ponder, when was the last time I looked around at what I have and rested thankfully? Just drank it in.

Am I striving for not?

My son, realizing he has the bottle in place drinks and is quieted. May I be quieted. May I rest in the present "enough."

I also consider myself as the child of a living God. He holds the bottle. All I need, He provides. It is and has been provided. It is "finished."

My son falls asleep in my lap. He is in perfect peace.

Father, may I rest in your arms.

You feed me. You hold me. I will rest.

No more striving.

I rest.

Hidden Survivors

There are women out there that I want to congratulate. These aren't the war heros back from over seas. They aren't those who have fought cancer and won. They aren't world changers who fight in the wars of politics. No, they fight wars no one sees, but when heard of, many judge.

These are the ones that live with or out lived daily physical torture only seen in movies. Dealt with emotional manipulation, beration and brain washing movies can't capture.

Media calls them abuse victims.

I call them survivors. To call them victims negates the stamina with which they endured what to us was impossible.

Bent, but not broken. Wounded, but not dead. Some barely alive, but they survived.

To those I say "congratulations!"

I say, "You go girl!"

You are heroes!

Many have called these women stupid. At times, they have made choices that had bad consequences, yes. Maybe they could have or should have... we judge. We weren't them. We weren't there. We don't know.

They know... all too well.

They endured.

No matter what they walked away with or without, they made it out.

Maybe you made it out.

I applaud you.

Some are still in there. I say, "Hold on. Fight to keep your strength unseen warrior. Don't give up!"

You are stronger than you realize.

The Problem isn't the Problem

Sometimes things happen that we don't like right?

I am not going to wait for the "Duh" post.

Most of our lives we are puzzled by things that don't happen the way we expect or like, or really, don't happen at all. Even sometimes the wonderful things in our lives surprise us. They come in packages we did not order and ways we did not ask for.

We are left shaking our heads.

Someone isn't.

God knows the plans He has for us (Jeremiah 29:11). These are plans for our good. The problems are that we don't have control and we don't see the future.

Mary "hates when that happens," but doesn't see the car that would have hit her if she hadn't spilled coffee all over her shirt running out the door.

Jane "just knows" that the person she wants to marry would good for her, but he won't notice her. Meanwhile, he is married.

Joe is so depressed because he thinks the job he "missed out on" would be perfect, but someone else gets it and they burn out in a month. 

The problem isn't always what we think it is. The problem comes when we control, plan and rush instead of trust, wait and allow. We don't believe God will work all things together for our Good. (Romans 8:28)

We all too often don't believe that what we call a problem might be a solution. We need to think outside our box, but since we can see the future it's hard.

No, this does not answer all of life's questions. You can read yesterday's blog for an answer for some of those answers. But, life is a lot easier when we trust the one that made us with the life He gave us.

I say, "Spill the coffee Lord!"

Why?

I, like many of you, have a large capacity filing cabinet of sorts in my mind that holds all kinds of stories.

Some are funny.

Some are romantic.

Some are heroic.

Others are ugly and horrific.

This last folder of stories I like to keep locked up and occasionally, I wish my mind had a shredder like I have in my office. I will not share any of these stories. You have your own. These are the stories that make you ask, “Why?”

It would be ridiculous and prideful for me to tell you I have “the” answer for why all they bad things in the world happen. I do; however, have an answer. You decide if you agree.

My answer is not that people are evil, nor God is angry. Both of these have been true. Still, the answer is more complex.

All people are not evil but, they are all selfish and self preserving. I am included.

God is not angry. He is Love. 

Okay, keep reading… you can disagree later if you wish.

Once upon a time these two things did not mix. Mankind distrusted God and in selfish greed and fear, they fell from God’s favor. This we know of as “the Fall” because they fell from favor. It is also called “the curse” because modern scripture translates the following as such.

Mankind had to face some consequences. From then on things would be hard. In fact, they would not make it alive on their own. From then on they would no longer have God walking with them and helping them directly with their problems... helping them survive.

Mankind couldn’t even make it one generation.

Mankind, then Adam and Eve, decided they wanted to separate from His will and from His help and protection in hiding. He let them. 

He is not a controlling God.

This not only left us unshielded from problems, it brought on problems because mankind does not have the mind of God. Men and women don’t love like God. Mankind is selfish and self preserving. This plays out in every “sin” there is. And every sin there is has a consequence. God named a few in the Genesis story, but we have seen many, many more play out through out time.

God’s word pretty much tells mankind that if they murder, steal, have an affair, lie, etc., etc. that there will be consequences. In scripture these actions are called “sins.”  In courts they are called charges. On television, they are called news stories. In my office, they are called wrongs done.

No matter what you call them. They hurt others. The “why” is triggered by or brought on by selfishness and self preservation. These are the roots of all pain.

Oh, unless you are talking about “natural disasters” right? Well, no, not really. Remember the fall?

Mankind was supposed to live within the safety of "the garden” where God would be taking care of them. There would have been no disasters there. They certainly would not be natural.

None of this was supposed to happen. We weren’t supposed to suffer these things, whatever you call them.

These things weren’t supposed to happen so we don’t have programming regarding how to deal with it. We do the best we can, but in our humanity we often hurt others as we scurry around to pick up the mess or hide to deal with our wounds.

Yes, good counsel helps in part, but really the only help is to call upon the one that is willing and can. He is the same one mankind turned away from and hid from. As long as mankind continues, the consequences will continue as well.

Parenting 101 No, No and Still No

Being a mom of two now I get to put into practice a great deal more of the counseling I used to dole out to parents. As you parents already know, everything is easier said than done especially with a two year old. Still, the concepts are the same and hold true.

There are three things I teach clients to hold to with kids. These are limit setting, consistency, and follow through.

Limit setting is vital with kids. In general you already knew that. You likely say no all the time. I do. But, limit setting is not all about the no. It's about wisdom, teaching and correction.

As a parent, we all want our kids safe, so no is essential and as far as running across the street, jumping off the table and touching pots on the stove it makes sense. Still, limit setting is broader it includes what they can watch, read, say, do, and of course not do. Communicating not only the limits, but that you have them, communicates safety and care.

Your kids may not communicate agreement, but later in life they will thank you they made it through childhood.

I heard once that there was a study done about limits. There were two play areas. One had a fence and the other did not. In the unfenced area the kids stayed towards the center of the space. In the fanced in area; however, they played right up to the edge. They felt comfortable because the limits gave them safety.

So, no you aren't being a bad parent when you say no to the third cookie, the horror movie or the two inch skirt. You are being a caring and effective parent. 

Consistency teaches kids that you can be trusted. It also allows for them to trust their surroundings and the routine. This in turn allows them to focus on other things like learning and being a kid.

Consistency at night for example means if you make bed time at 8PM and you at least start the bed time cycle at 7:30 and they are within reach of the pillow by 8 or the lights are off by 8 and you don't allow bedtime to be any time. As you make this a goal each night, they will get used to the routine.

This does not mean they won't push back on this whenever they see you allow them room. They will. But, you are more likely to get them to comply if they weren't allowed to stay up till 9 the night before.

Routine ties consistency with limit setting for you can use routine to assist with consistency. If the child knows that dinner is at 6, jammies are on at 7 and book reading begins at 7:30 they are more emotionally ready for the 8 PM bed time. They saw it coming.

Push back is testing for stability. You get that till the child knows they can trust the limits. If they feel the limit isn't firm they will test it till they know where the firm end of it is. Hopefully they don't get the firm back end in the process... No, I am not recommending this.

Positive consistency is also necessary. Kids need to know what makes their parents happy and proud of them. They want to know that they know how to obtain praise. Otherwise, they will scramble emotionally and physically to get attention and praise.

Side note: Praise is essential and really should have been #1 on the top ten parenting list, but that is for another blog.

Okay back to this blog.

Follow through is the third but, might be the hardest of the three or at least neck and neck with consistency. The best parenting rules and routines are just ideas until they are followed through on.

Follow through limits the parents as well as the kids though and therefore can be the most frustrating. One must be careful when communicating limits because what you say goes. I don't mean goes without respect and communication. I mean what you say will happen happens or doesn't if you said no. The hard part of this comes when you don't fully think through when you threaten.

For example, if you tell your child that unless they stop whining they can't go to the beach, guess what. If they keep whining, you don't get to go to the beach. See how that gets you?

For this reason, parents must work hard at making sure they don't throw threats out without being sure they will follow through. Instead of noting there will be no beach trip one might tell them they can't bring a certain item, might get a time out, or might have to sit in a chair at the beach for half an hour depending on the child's age.

The limit and punishment must be appropriate for the child's age. 

So, limit setting, consistency, and follow through. If you can master these (as well as praise) you have become the Yoda of all Jedi parents. Okay, so it's a long road of trial and error, but these should be the goals. The better you get at them the more peace you'll have in your home.

Oh, and for those who wondered, and I am sure many of you did, there is no Jedi mind trick that will get them to clean their rooms or make them sit still... and talking like Yoda will only make you sound silly because you set limits and they have yet to see that PG-13 movie.