Don't SEL Out!

Marriage is easy! Okay, that's a lie from the pit of hell.

Maybe that was true the first few hours... Or minutes.

No, marriage is work. It can be awesome. It can be really, really hard.

But, it can't be good without hard work.

There is no place for laziness in marriage. It's not that you can't sleep in and vacation. You can... unless you have a newborn. But, I don't mean that kind of laziness. That kind is purposeful and enjoyable rest that can even be done together.

I mean the emotionally selfish kind.

Selfish emotional laziness is the biggest marriage killer. It is connected to all other issues.

What is this you ask?

Selfish emotional laziness (SEL) is my term for carelessness in emotional awareness and self control that discounts the needs of others, in this case your spouse.

It's when you know you were wrong and don't apologise.

It's when you get yourself water and don't offer your spouse any even though you thought of it.

It's when you spend money you don't have on self satisfying items you don't need.

It's when you feel hurt and don't work out a way to tell your partner nicely.

It's when you disrespect your partner and challenge or blame them instead of attempting love and humility.

It's taking sides instead of being a team.

See, in marriage you and your spouse are a team.

A unit.

One.

If the unit starts to hurt itself the whole team implodes.

In marriage each member must remain aware that whenever they are not actively aware of AND working at controlling their care for the other, they are hurting themself.
My grandfather used to say marriage is 60/40. Some days you give the 60% and sometimes you can only give 40%. I think he was close.

Marriage partners need to attempt more than 60% all the time. This is because one of you will often fall short of to 40%. If they manage 49% other is giving 60%, great! The problem is if both are only able to give 40% there is a deficit.

The goal is 100%, but the goal based on reality is likely 75-80% because life happens. If each is attempting to give all they can and there is grace for shortcomings, there will be plenty in the hard times.

I once heard a story, supposedly by C.S. Lewis about Heaven that went something like this:

There were two dining rooms. In the first there was a feast on the table, but the people were starving to death. In the second, the set up was the same, but the people were joyous and plump.

What was the problem?

Well, in the both rooms they only had three foot long forks. In the first room everyone was trying to feed themselves. In they second, they fed eachother.

Think of marriage in this way. If you both work at serving the other, you both get enough.

As long as you don't SEL out your partner, you can get through the times when things get really rough because there will be a history of team effort to fall back on when it is really needed. Without this, trust dwindles and grudges begin and there isn't much to fall back on when struggles come.

Be aware of how you are thinking and acting. Is it selfish? Is it lazy?

Are you SELing out on your spouse?

You'll only be hurting yourself.