Being a mom of two now I get to put into practice a great deal more of the counseling I used to dole out to parents. As you parents already know, everything is easier said than done especially with a two year old. Still, the concepts are the same and hold true.
There are three things I teach clients to hold to with kids. These are limit setting, consistency, and follow through.
Limit setting is vital with kids. In general you already knew that. You likely say no all the time. I do. But, limit setting is not all about the no. It's about wisdom, teaching and correction.
As a parent, we all want our kids safe, so no is essential and as far as running across the street, jumping off the table and touching pots on the stove it makes sense. Still, limit setting is broader it includes what they can watch, read, say, do, and of course not do. Communicating not only the limits, but that you have them, communicates safety and care.
Your kids may not communicate agreement, but later in life they will thank you they made it through childhood.
I heard once that there was a study done about limits. There were two play areas. One had a fence and the other did not. In the unfenced area the kids stayed towards the center of the space. In the fanced in area; however, they played right up to the edge. They felt comfortable because the limits gave them safety.
So, no you aren't being a bad parent when you say no to the third cookie, the horror movie or the two inch skirt. You are being a caring and effective parent.
Consistency teaches kids that you can be trusted. It also allows for them to trust their surroundings and the routine. This in turn allows them to focus on other things like learning and being a kid.
Consistency at night for example means if you make bed time at 8PM and you at least start the bed time cycle at 7:30 and they are within reach of the pillow by 8 or the lights are off by 8 and you don't allow bedtime to be any time. As you make this a goal each night, they will get used to the routine.
This does not mean they won't push back on this whenever they see you allow them room. They will. But, you are more likely to get them to comply if they weren't allowed to stay up till 9 the night before.
Routine ties consistency with limit setting for you can use routine to assist with consistency. If the child knows that dinner is at 6, jammies are on at 7 and book reading begins at 7:30 they are more emotionally ready for the 8 PM bed time. They saw it coming.
Push back is testing for stability. You get that till the child knows they can trust the limits. If they feel the limit isn't firm they will test it till they know where the firm end of it is. Hopefully they don't get the firm back end in the process... No, I am not recommending this.
Positive consistency is also necessary. Kids need to know what makes their parents happy and proud of them. They want to know that they know how to obtain praise. Otherwise, they will scramble emotionally and physically to get attention and praise.
Side note: Praise is essential and really should have been #1 on the top ten parenting list, but that is for another blog.
Okay back to this blog.
Follow through is the third but, might be the hardest of the three or at least neck and neck with consistency. The best parenting rules and routines are just ideas until they are followed through on.
Follow through limits the parents as well as the kids though and therefore can be the most frustrating. One must be careful when communicating limits because what you say goes. I don't mean goes without respect and communication. I mean what you say will happen happens or doesn't if you said no. The hard part of this comes when you don't fully think through when you threaten.
For example, if you tell your child that unless they stop whining they can't go to the beach, guess what. If they keep whining, you don't get to go to the beach. See how that gets you?
For this reason, parents must work hard at making sure they don't throw threats out without being sure they will follow through. Instead of noting there will be no beach trip one might tell them they can't bring a certain item, might get a time out, or might have to sit in a chair at the beach for half an hour depending on the child's age.
The limit and punishment must be appropriate for the child's age.
So, limit setting, consistency, and follow through. If you can master these (as well as praise) you have become the Yoda of all Jedi parents. Okay, so it's a long road of trial and error, but these should be the goals. The better you get at them the more peace you'll have in your home.
Oh, and for those who wondered, and I am sure many of you did, there is no Jedi mind trick that will get them to clean their rooms or make them sit still... and talking like Yoda will only make you sound silly because you set limits and they have yet to see that PG-13 movie.
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