Hello

Hi. Good morning.

I don't think I have met you before (hand extention and looking in your eyes). What is your name?

Mine is Carrie Ann.

Do you have questions or is there anything I can help you with?

Greetings.

Do you like to be greeted?

I do. I don't like to be accosted, just sincerely greeted.

I wish more people or, should I say greeters and attendees greeted this way at churches.

I am not a fan of walking in to have ten people give me a bulletin as with sales people at the mall. I am not a fan of the silent nod. And sorry, but the quiet hi and look away also does nothing for me.

I want to be greeted-

Looked in the eye and welcomed.

Please, offer not just a hi and bye, but a who are you and a I am glad you're here. Maybe, now that you are here, I can get to know you as a person instead of a participant.

You aren't just a participant.

You are a person.

I am a person.

I feel this is genuinely missing at most churches, so no finger pointing to any in particular. I have attended many.

I think in part it is just the concession mentality of this world trickling in with a bit of selfish distraction.

Next please...

I am not just a next. You are not a next.

Sometimes retail stores are better at welcoming than churches. Alas, they have a motive though, right?

Well, don't churches?

Isn't the motive to reach out to individuals and love them into the Kingdom for the Lord?

This motive should motivate.

No, there is no sales quota. There is no commission... Just souls.

Souls that are broken need to feel welcome so they can connect, learn, be loved, be healed and be transformed.

I have been and still tend to be one of these.

I want to be welcomed, known, and if possible, loved and even understood.

If I am a number, let me go to the deli.

I am not a number and at church, to truly eat there must be love not roast beef.

At church, I am not looking to be fed food. I am looking to be fed by the love of the Lord.

And to feed others.

Greeter or member, you are the vessel of that love, the love that nourishes. You hold it so it can be poured out upon those who come gather.

Feed me. Feed the attendees.

Feed the guests.

Start the dinner party.

The appetizer, dinner and dessert are all love.

Serve it up!

Accomplishments

Accomplishments.

Every once in a while we really need one. We thrive one them.

They are the "yeah" moments we congratulate ourselves for.

Small or large we need them and we need to take moments to recognise them- to congratulate ourselves.

No matter how small a victory, rejoice.

If you haven't felt like you have had one in a while, look back on today or the week and ask yourself what you got done.

No, the project may not be done, but did you finish part of it?

Maybe just making it through the week was an accomplishment.

Or, the day.

Take a moment to consider what has been done and rejoice.

Maybe it wasn't perfect. You are human.

Maybe it still needs work. You have tomorrow.

Maybe you need to give yourself a high five because of what you did do.

If you have a friend to share this with, even better. Or, if it can be public shout it out on Facebook or Twitter.

Why not, there are worse things out there and you might even encourage someone else to do the same.

So, maybe today felt kind of blah. Your week seemed to fly by or going by too quickly. But, the week is over.

It's Friday.

It's time to review and ejoice. You accomplished something!

Diving into Motherhood

Being a mom is a funny thing. It is not something that can be explained until you ate one, but even then it is hard to explain.

Other moms just get it because they are one.

Being a mom is wonderful.

Being a mom is hard.

Never before having kids did a mom spend 24/7 with anyone never mind caring for them-

not really even your siblings or spouse.

I mean, before kids, there were bathroom breaks. There was the occasional peaceful drive listening to the wind out the window. There were long showers.

Moms trade this.

But, they trade it to be everything for little someone's who won't understand the trade until they trade too.

It is a loving trade.

It's a big trade, but it is a good trade.

You get to know someone better than anyone else ever will.

You get to experience their firsts. First roll, word, crawl, walk, and later first day of school.

You get hugs, kisses, laughter, giggles, tickles, and lots of memories.

But, you do get tired. 24/7 is long.

24/7 can be wearing.

This is why moms sneak solitary bathroom breaks. They covet nap times and bed times...

They need a break.

Moms, like batteries, need a recharge.

It is normal.

It is normal to be cranky when they don't come.

But, moms must instantly learn to be surfers in a way. They learn to go with the flow and dive into the waves.

There is no other way.

If they don't, the waves or pressures can take them down.

Waves are tantrums, boundary tests, time outs and safety hazards.

There are big waves.

They come.

They come with the trade. When you decide to be a mom it is like deciding to surf. You are no longer sunbathing.

You don't wade in. You jump in and the ocean is cold.

The sunshine is glorious and there is a rush with every achieved victorious ride. But, waves come.

A mom can't expect to surf or parent without them.

But, when you get good at riding the waves, surfing is enjoyable even when you wipe out.

It is all part of the deal.

You need to expect waves, watch for them, paddle into them and ride each one out.

What if you mess up?

You just need to pick up the board, shake it off and get back in the water.

The beach was boring afterall.

I Feel What You Saw Him Say...

I don't know about you but I am a strong visual type of person. So, seeing stuff (a.k.a. a mess) around, it negatively stimulates me.

This is a trigger with a two year old, but I digress.

This blog isn't about my messy or clean house. It is about the three types of people. Yes, you are one of three.

You are, primarily, either a visual, auditory or kinesthetic person. Or really, a mix of these three.

How do you know which one? Well, what words do you use most? How do you relate to the world? How do you learn best?

Visuals, like me, tend to have strong visual memories, see things quickly and phrase things with visual terms.

I am such a strong visual, I can tell you what people were wearing when I last saw them. I know, it's creepy, especially to all you auditory and kinesthetic folks.

As a visual I also usually say, "I see what you mean". And, in part I do as I picture scenes in my mind as I read or hear them.

If you are more auditory, you pick up on sounds quickly and relate to the world more with sound and learn well by listening.

Visual people do well with pictures, but might not do as well in a lecture as the auditory person would. Auditory folks love lectures, books on tape and speak with auditory words. They might say, "I hear what you are saying".

Notice, these two types communicate differently. This can create communication issues, but usually not big ones. But, let's throw in the kinesthetic folks.

Kinesthetics are more rare. They are the feelers. I don't mean strictly emotionally, but that is part of it. They like to feel things.

These are the people that chew on pens and feel fabrics in stores because they like how they feel. Or, they won't touch something because of how it makes them feel.

They can feel strongly emotionally, but primarily, feel and touch their way around the world.

Kinesthetic folks also speak in feeling terms. They might say, "I feel like this is going to be a good day" or "I feel good about that".

These kinesthetic people learn by doing. They don't want to hear it or see it, they want to do it. They like the hands on experience.

Just to complicate matters, everyone has at least a little of each of these, but in different measures. You might be a strongly auditory person with a secondary visual and tertiary kinesthetic bent.

Or, a strong kinesthetic with some visual and auditory traits. We all have a bit of each, but knowing which you are most strongly helps.

It also helps to know which type the  person you are relating to is. If your your spouse, boss, student or customer is a visual person and you are an auditory person, you should try to "speak their language" and use visual terms and pictures.

This is especially true for teachers, sales engineers, and yes even writers. As you communicate, choosing the right communication method can make or break the communication.

Let's take word problems for example. Oh yes, my arch enemy. 

If you start teaching a visual or kinesthetic person by saying, "train A..."

Well, you lost me (a strong visual) already. I want to see the train. The kinesthetic wants to feel the train. The auditory student; however, said 10. That is the answer right?

So, pay attention today or tomorrow as you interact with people. What words do they use? It is a tip to their style. If you also determine your style you might be able to edit your output to assist with the other person's needed input.

Give the kinesthetic a model of the plans. Show the visual a picture. Or, tell the auditory kid in the second row a story.

So, listen to me show you how I feel about it.

It could make all the difference.

I Get To!

As a mother I sometimes get overwhelmed.

Surprising, I know.

Yesterday as I was grumbling I was reminded of my days at work in offices and how I would stare out the window wishing I could just stay home and play hookie.

Wait a minute. I am playing hookie every day aren't I?

Every day as a stay at home mom I stay home, at least for part of the day.

And, I get to play... Almost all day!

I get to go out and enjoy the sun.

I get to run around.

I have two play mates who I get to play with.

I get to.

Yes, the dishes need to be done. The food needs to be made and there are diaper changes and bottle feedings.

But, I get to play most of the day.

I had forgotten that.

Now, maybe you are thinking like I was, things need to get done and I want to...

Yes, they need to get done some time. But, as a mother, my first priority after feeding, changing and keeping them safe is to play with them.

This play can be free form or structured and it can teach all kinds of things.

It get to dance.

Run.

Color.

Count.

Sing.

Read.

Tickle.

And hug.

And 101 other amazingly fun things.

None of it needs to be or feel like a job.

I need to remember this.

It is a job and it can be hard, but it can also be the most fun ever to play hookie every day with your favorite people.

I get to!

Need Answers??

Hi Reader,
I am wondering what counseling, marital, relationship or communication questions you have. Let me know.
Really! Ask me!
I can hardly wait to answer!

Carrie Ann Barrette, LMHC

Please note: If you are feeling at all suicidal get help now! Please!

Call The National Suicide Hotline at

888-273-8255

The Prodigal Daughter

What would the Prodigal Daughter story be like?

May be that is your story.

Such a story is one that might be more enjoyable if you go to the back of the book and read that last page, skipping the rest.

But you would never know the whole story.

You would never really understand the heart of the story.

The middle of the story, that is the hardest part to read, but the most important. It is where the woman is at her most broken, most vulnerable time. She is about to fall apart. Or, maybe she just did.

The middle is the pain.

It is in the midst of the bad choices, the mistakes, the regrets. It is the part where you think there is no hope.

Are you in that part of the story?

It is not the end you know. At least it does not have to be. For some, it is the middle.

Or just the beginning.

For many women the middle of the story is the turning point. Hopefully, the turning point toward the most important choice ever. It is the choice to grab hold of hope or drown.

Hope can't come out of thin air however. You need something tangible. You can't just tell someone who is drowning that they need to have faith.  They need a life raft. They need to be saved.

They need a savior.

I know plenty of you who read my blogs might want to skip this one. Either you are too far in the trenches of the "middle" of the story- the middle of your mess. Or, maybe you just have never understood what it means to be in such need that the only thing left to grab onto is Jesus.

He is the Father's life preserver.

He is the fairy tale happy ending prince charming that every woman has been longing for since they first breathed life.

He is also real. But, just like any life preserver, it isn't useful unless you reach out and take hold of it with everything you have. Only then will that life preserver help you from drowning.

Only by reaching out to a Jesus you don't know will you find the Jesus you always needed.

He is real. He is desiring to help.

He is the Love you have been searching for.

So search. 

Risk.

Reach out to Him with both hands and have your happy ending. 

Introvert, Extrovert and In Between

Once upon a time I thought I was an extrovert. I loved being out and about with people! In fact, I could barely stand being home. After a little while, I had to get out and I was out or with people 5-6 days a week at times.

Since then, I learned more about what it means to be an introvert.

I also learned, I am one.

I need the quiet recharge, the time away, the solitude. If I don't get it, at least a little bit, I get a little... cranky.

Okay, a lot cranky.

I thought that because I am social, I must be an extrovert, but I learned extroverts actually recharge in social settings. The quiet down time that I need, they don't.

Now, almost all people have a little introversion and a little extroversion in them. Very few if any people are 100% one or the other. But, it is helpful to know which one you are more like. This helps you know what you need.

And it helps to know which one your spouse, significant other and or children are. This can help you read them and understand their needs.

This introvert/extrovert difference can strain a relationship if not understood. Let's say you are an extrovert like me. You need down time. Your spouse or child might be an extrovert. If so, they may wear you out at times, especially if you don't communicate your needs and set limits.

Likewise, if you are an extrovert and your spouse or child is an introvert, you might find yourself dragging them out of the house. You might even feel they are a little boring some times.

Maybe they just need a few minutes.

It is good to know the other persons type and needs. This way you can understand why they do what they do even if they don't realize it.

Communication about needs is essential, but it is pretty hard to communicate about them if you aren't aware of them or the triggers for such needs.

I sit quietly because I need to. It is my recharge.

How do you recharge?

Forget The Oil

Sometimes we think we have it covered.

We think we know the basics and that is enough.

It is often like that with God.

Many have a been there heard that-

Got baptized or-

Got saved and have the note in the Bible or video to prove it.

And that's it.

Yes, being forgiven is a once and forever deal. The blood was shed and one only needs to accept the gift of salvation once.

But, what about the gift of relationship?

Is that a been there done that?

How could that be?

That is like getting married and never seeing your spouse again. How would that work?

No, that makes no sense.

The Father sent His Son to the cross and then His Holy Spirit because the goal was relationship, not trophies.

Not fans.

Not servants.

He wanted, He wants communication. He wants to spend the rest of your life with you, not just eternity. He wants to be the spouse you tell your secrets to. The one who's shoulder you cry on. The one you rejoice with.

He wants to be your perfect spouse.

I just read Matthew 25 yesterday. I have before, it is about the virgins and the bridegroom.

Christians and Christ.

The ten virgins in Matthew 25 went out to wait for the bridegroom, the Lord. Five were prepared and were welcomed because they had oil and five didn't because they left and went to buy more.

Talk all the theology you want, but at the end of the day would you risk missing out on time with your groom to buy oil?

Aren't there two twigs to rub together?

There must have been something to burn.

Wouldn't there be light wherever the bridegroom would be?

Not only were they unprepared, they lost focus.

For Love, I hope I would have waited.

Even in the dark.

The bridegroom was coming.

Wait, He is here.

You don't need to go find oil.

You need not be distracted by your to-many-things-not-done list.

Even while you do them, or don't do them, He is with you.

He is with you when the commute stinks.

When you are up to your elbows in dishes.

When you pay your bills.

When the kids scream.

He is there.

Don't wait till there is a better time to talk with Him. Don't wait till the dishes are done...

Or till you have enough oil.

The Bridegroom is here.

Relationship is available now.

Forget the dishes.

Forget the commute.

Focus on Love.

And the kids. Yeah, you shouldn't forget those.

But, God is there. He knows the kids are screaming and that guy cut you off.

Don't wait.

Love Him.

He is there.

Here He is! "Come out to meet Him."
(Rev. 25:6)

Poop Happens

Today I am reminded how human I am.

I hate that.

Reminders come when things break.

They won't work.

Children cry.

Or scream.

Or have completely record breaking poop blowouts...

In the car...
When you have somewhere to be...
And there aren't many wipes.

Wow!

These days it is hard to stay calm.

Hard to find peace.

And it is hard to remember poop happens.

We are human.

It is this kind of day when I try to remember all the counseling suggestions I dole out. And try to apply them.

And often fail.

I am human.

I try to remember to sing, be thankful, relax and stop rushing. I try to remember I don't need to push myself to get it all done. I try to not care about things that upset me...

but don't matter.

It matters that I keep my cool in front of my kids.

They matter.

They are watching.

And learning.

They are not learning perfection. I can't teach them that.

What I can teach them is grace.

Forgiveness.

Humility.

And to get up and try again.

I can never teach perfection, but I can try to teach them how to deal with imperfection.

I am human.

They are human.

Humanity is imperfect.

Poop happens.

Neverland

Faith can sometimes feel like it is hard to muster. Like a muscle that is about to give out.

Sometimes things just seem too big to ask for or overcome.

Believing for a spouse.

A graduation.

A child.

A job.

To get clean and sober.

To be healed.

It is easy to doubt, to give in, to give up. It is hard to wait and hard to hold out for what seems to mean so much.

And be so far away.

Sometimes these come quickly and unexpectedly, like a thief in the night.

Sometimes they never come.

Usually, they take time and perseverance.

And faith.

But, faith isn't something we must produce. Faith, and the measure of such is given. (Romans 12:3)

Did you hear that. It isn't that we don't have enough faith or that we don't use enough faith, but that we don't rest in it.

Resting in faith is completely different.

You don't get tired or weary resting.

It recharges and sustains us.

Resting in faith; however, is the opposite of your first and even second and third instinct. These are to fight, flee, or freeze.

But, they are just instincts.

The desire of our hearts is to rest.

To trust someone else will handle it.

Take care of it.

Take care of us.

The resting is having faith.

When we rest in our faith that the Lord will take care of it- this is having faith.

It is resting even though it seems like we "should" be able to make it work- but the puzzle pieces won't fit.

We are to rest even though we think and hear others tell us it is "never" going to happen. That it can never happen.

Don't give up and enter Neverland.

The Kingdom is at hand.

All things are possible.

Enter His Kingdom's rest.

Under His rule.

God is in control. You can choose to rest or pretend you are in control.

Like a bed, you have faith.

Now get in.

Rest.

Change Happens

In life, change happens.

Not only do we grow and learn as we watch the seasons change, but we also deal with the unexpected.

The curve balls.

It's the moments you thought you had it covered.

Figured out.

Under control.

Then the unexpected happens.

It's like the time I had some of my closest friends come for dinner. The dinner was on the table- wine and all.

Unfortunately, my very excitable greyhound changed everything. When I hadn't noticed, he had cut open his tail which he proceeded to wag it happily all over the house.

Including the dining room.

And dinner.

At the time it was, of course, completely unexpected. (It looked like we needed to call Gibbs and his team from NCIS.) Everything needed to be remade, washed and reset.

It was not a fun experience. But it was an experience.

When it was over we still had a wonderful dinner, great conversation and quite the story to tell.

It is things like this that inevitably come our way.

Plans are almost always changed. No matter how well thought through the plans are or how nice the table looks- plans change.

Change happens.

We need to learn to ride with it.

To simply watch the changes play out and turn into the wind as they say in sailing.

Winds come.

We change course.

Food or direction.

Change can't be avoided. To attempt to do so would be done in vain.

To get angry about such change, to get stuck there. That is a choice.

A poor and painful choice.

Like a man resisting high tide holding into the dock post. He must give in.

The tide will win.

Change happens.

If he can go up and enjoy the beach or drown.

There is no other good option...

Unless he has a boat.

But, the winds still come.

                      Change happens.

Why Wait?

I have never, never, seriously never  met an adult who was glad they had sex with a lot of people.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have heard people boast about how many people they have f*d, but these are young folks.

They are in the midst of their mistakes.

When they are older, these are the same folks who wish they had never started such things.

Certainly not boasted about it.

Whenever someone, an adult, has had sex before marriage and opened up to me about how they feel about it, they have always shared regret.

They often share how empty it was.

How they felt and still feel dirty, even used.

They wish they had waited.

Thy wish they could have shared that specialness with their current partner/spouse.

Now, I am not just talking about those "Christian dogooders". No, I am talking about atheists, Muslims, Jews, and all the rest.

It's not just a faith or religion thing.

It's a heart thing.

Deep in the heart of humans is this deep desire to feel special, cherished and prized. Sharing oneself sexually out of a commitment steals from this goal.

The grass is always greener on the other side.

It looks satisfying. It looks fun.

Glamerous.

Maybe it even looks like you are a champion of the catch.

Thank you MTV, music, movies, and magazines. Yes, the web too.

The media portrays a lie that sex before or outside of commitment looks like it feels great, sounds like it will almost fill the gap in desire.

Afterall, don't they all look happy?

Sadly, what you don't see is the heart of these people later on. 

The real deal about all that free for all sex is that it is like eating pixi stix when you could wait for your six course filet mignon prepared by Wolfgang Puck.

Or, maybe you were the snack.

In hind sight, this is regretful to say the least.

"How could I have been so stupid?" they ask. Or, you ask.

The problem is impatience.

Mankind is famous for it.

We are generally too darn impatient to hold out for the satisfying and settle for the snack.

The quick fix.

The regret.

After all, we can clean up the mess later.

Really? How?

But, its hard to tell someone this unless they have been there and done that.

Regret is hard to explain.

This is especially true if you are trying to explain this to young folks who surely know better than their elders. After all, it won't happen to them. They are different...

But, though they may be different that night, they won't necessarily feel special in the morning.

Or cherished over the long term.

Not if they are just one of someone's many pixi stix.

Maybe someday there will be a way for folks to get a glimpse of their future "what if" consequence beforehand.

Till then, maybe more "old folks"- more of the been there done that adults could be open and humble.

Maybe they could share their experience- the regret.

Maybe they could reach just one young person.

Maybe you could.

Let's Talk About Sex

When is the last time you talked about sex with your partner?

Oh, did I just make you blush?

It shouldn't. If you are having it you might as well talk about it.

Can't bring yourself to use the right words, fine. Call things whatever you want, but talk about what you are doing or not doing with them.

Or, without them.

Sex, like anything else must be edited and refined. It is like a song with two instruments.

And these instruments need to play well together.

What do you talk about?

Well, what feels good. What doesn't.

When it hurts. 

And what you day dream about doing.

Yes, really.

Is it a risk? Yes, but there are thousands, maybe millions of risks you take in a relationship.

The risks are usually worth it.

What if you mentioned what you daydream about and your partner is up for it.

What if they really don't care for that either.

What if it leads you to the best sex ever...

Worth it?

I bet you risked more on the way to the office.

Afterall, that day dream revved your engine and your gas pedal.

Check Yourself!

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Years ago there was a song by Ice Cube wherein were these very lyrics. Though I don't necessarily promote the song, I do promote the phrase.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself, your marriage, your job, anything.

Check what?

Your internal dialogue.

It can make a mess!

Can I guarantee checking it will change your life? No, but if you check it and edit it, you pretty much can.

Let's say you are in your car and someone cuts you off. What is your internal dialogue?

Or, maybe your boss is editing your work...

Or, your spouse is commenting on the well done chicken you made.

When the car cut you off you might have talked to yourself about their ignorance or their purposeful attempt to run you off the road. This self talk incites anger.

Let's edit or reframe it for alternates and accuracy!

Do they know you? Nope.

Did they see you? Maybe not.

Might they be on their way to the hospital? Maybe.

If these alternated are true why are you mad? Hmm. Kinda silly huh?

When your boss is hovering over your shoulder explaining how your work should be different and compares it to his wife's tasteless meatloaf this upsets you.

Okay, reframe- alternates and accuracy.

Might he be trying to help. Maybe.

Might he be under his own deadline gun? Probably.

Might he be sleeping on his friend's couch because his wife left him for a meat and potatoes kinda guy?

Who knows?

But, reframing the dialogue sure might help you feel better about it.

Maybe you won't call him a jerk and quit after all.

And what if you are the one who made the well done chicken?

Well, maybe it really is "well done"- they like it.

Maybe they felt bad they distracted you while you were cooking.

Or, maybe they care and are about to suggest you get a new grill this weekend knowing it's not you, but the old grill.

If you don't wait, check yourself, reconsider and reframe you might be the one on the couch instead of at the check out line at Home Depot.
You would have wrecked the opportunity instead of just the chicken.

So, next time you feel yourself getting all rilled up, c-c-c-check yourself before you wreck yourself and keep your cool like Ice Cube.

Fear or Wisdom

Is it fear or wisdom?

That is the question I am learning to ask myself.

It's in those moments right before you do something. One of two warning thoughts goes through your head.

It's somthing like- Oh, no. What if...

Or- Hmm, maybe I shouldn't...

In my experience, the "what if" is almost always fear based.

It's the thought about 101 things you saw in those horror movies you wish you hadn't watched. Or, the story on the news.

The other thought, the maybe you shouldn't- Yeah, that is almost always the Holy Spirit trying to share wisdom.

I heard this right before I began digging a hole in flip flops instead of sneakers. Oh, if I had listened.

It's the times when I take shortcuts or do things quickly. Then I hear it.

As you might glean, I often still think I know better and regret going forward.

Maybe this will help you do more and regret less.

A little clarity goes a long way!

Say What?

Say what?

That's what I should say more often. We should all say it more often.

We should clarify.

Most of the time we don't.

Instead we end up making assumptions. What a mess they make.

My wonderfully smart husband tried to head this one off early. Before we got married he said, "If what I say could be taken in more than one way and one of them makes you mad, assume I meant the other one."

Brilliant!

Fortunately, I remember that often.

I do so because he meant it. He loves me and wouldn't want to hurt me. He isn't a mean person.

Most of the time we should all consider this. Unless someone is actually hateful or mean spirited, and few really are, we would actually benefit from making such a choice.

If someone says, "Wow, you look different". Does it have to mean you had a bad hair day?

If they say, "We haven't seen you in a while". Couldn't it just be what was said without an attached judgement?

Even if they meant the sour version, wouldn't we be better off thinking positively?

If you want to jump to conclusions, maybe you should at least pause and clarify before retaliation.

Say what??

It would be something like, "I think you just said... Did you mean...?"

This would likely save most marriages.

It might even bring more relationships to marriage.

All too often we make assumptions and jump to conclusions that trigger hurt feelings or anger.

Instead of jumping, maybe jump back and take a moment to clarfy with a...

"Say what??"

Folder, Filing Cabinets and Vaults

Folders, filing cabinets and vaults. We all have them.

Our mind holds billions of memories. Each memory is stored in either folders, filing cabinets or vaults.

Of course, I mean this figuratively.

Generally, memory is stored as either short or long term. Short term are in "folders" as you might need that any moment. Long term is stored in "filing cabinets" and available for later use.

The "vault"?

This is the place where memories are stored securely because you don't want them to get out.

Your brain is so amazingly smart (or well designed) that it locks away traumatic memories. Not all of such get in there, just the really bad ones.

The car accident.

The labor pain.

The rape.

Ugliness.

Your brain knows what to do with these things even if you don't. The detail goes in the vault.

As a trauma counselor I have had many come to me asking for help. They want to open the vault.

There are counselors who will do this. I think they are wrong.

Your brain knows what it can handle.

Anything you need access to is either in the filing cabinet or will come out in due time.

Rushing it is harmful.

Again, your brain knows what it can handle.

This might be upsetting to some. At times flashbacks or dreams hint there is more, but my suggestion is if it is in the vault, leave it there.

There is a reason you don't have the key.

My Loves

Once I didn't know if I wanted kids.

Actually, it's really not that I didn't want them because having I kid would be bad. I just thought it would be too much or I wouldn't be a good mom.

I now have two kids.

I have two amazing kids that I can't imagine life without. They are more amazing than anything else in this life.

I look back before they were born and I had no idea what I was missing.

I didn't know anything was missing.

Life was missing.

Kids bring fun, energy, and fullness to life.

They bring love. An understanding of love that gives a remote hint about God's unfathomable love. Till I had them, I didn't know I could love that way.

I didn't know it was possible.

I also didn't know how much my parents loved me. I couldn't. I was the object or focus of their love. My understanding was vague, till I became the parent.

Love came alive.

I have kids.

I am unexplainably, unimaginably, and positively changed forever.

One of Those Days...

Today was one of those days.

Days when you want to whine, complain, and basically, check out for a little while.

Too bad Tahiti isn't in my back yard. The pictures of the seaside hammocks call to me on these days.

Today was like that.

I caught glimpses of my Bible out of the corner of my eye and knew that was exactly what I need, but I didn't have... well, really make the time to open it.

I had a bit of a worship song run through my head and I wished I could keep it playing on repeat... It faded.

It along with my peace.

It was like having a headache and not taking the medicine right there on the shelf.

It was like being hungry, but not eating.

Being hungry makes you cranky.

I was cranky.

Till I worshipped.

I breathed.

I listened.

I sang.

It's amazing what singing praise to the Lord will do.

Even if you don't sound good, even if you don't know the words or mess them up...

There is just something about it that detatches you from the funk you are in.

It distracts you and puts your mind on all that is good.

It is freeing.

Everything else fades into the background.

Selah.

Next time I will sing.

Tomorrow I will sing.

Now, I sing.

Sing!

Sex Part Six: Fluffernutter!

Okay, so you might have been wondering what in the world I could be about to write.
Fluffernutter??
Well, fluff is tasty. That big marshmallowy tub of processed sugar- yum!
The problem is it has absolutely no nutritional value what so ever.
None!
Actually, it's horrible for your body. It does taste really good though.
Fluff needs something. It needs, in fact is screaming for peanut butter.
If you have never had the culinary experience of a fluffernutter sandwich, I encourage you to explore it and experience it.
The fluff is sweet. The peanut butter is a bit salty.
They both squish and dissolve in your mouth while sticking to your teeth- a work of art!
This is like good sex. It has all the sweetness of a dessert with a good dose of protein.
I probably don't need to go into detain about the fluff.
It's the rush.
It's the excitement.
Let's face it. It's the big "O".
The peanut butter; however, is important. This is the intimacy. This is the hearty, salty protein. It gives the fluffernutter some substance, balance and sustainability. It gives you the energy for the long haul.
All of the previous five blogs on sex rest on this- peanut butter.
Peanut butter and intimacy.
If you don't have intimacy you just have sex. It's fluff, maybe good for the moment, but not lasting. You need intimacy.
Intimacy is the emotional connectedness, the mutual understanding and the oneness needed for long term, good healthy sex lives.
It's the long conversations.
It's the laughter.
It's experiencing and sharing life together.
It builds trust which allows freedom and closeness in sex and it makes room for openness and discussion about sex.
And it builds desire.
It is the hot embers or coals that stay warm even if the fire is low. It is the foundation for sex.
Couples need to spend purposeful time connecting, sharing and building intimacy otherwise sex will always be fluff.
And you just can't live on fluff alone.
I did not go as far as to decide what the bread is in the fluffernutter. Really, who needs the bread, get a spoon. Or, go spoon.
What you do after that is up to you.

Sex Part Five: Fasting

Fasting.

Fasting or purposely going without food isn't generally something we get excited about. Some fast food for religious reasons. Some for medical reasons.

With regard to sex, fasting may be for the same reasons.

Purposely going without sex for any amount of time can cause stress in a relationship. Usually in marriage, this is an unwanted change for one or both partners.

There are spiritual reasons to refrain from having sex for some time. Other times fasting is due to emotional struggles impacting the desire for intimacy. But, maybe most often, sexual fasting is done because of medical reasons.

I will not go into details here about religious fasting. You can research that elsewhere. However, I will note that partners need to do so respectfully. Such a fast should be discussed and be purposeful.

Emotional struggles hinder intimacy and at times, lead to sexual fasting. When a couple is having issues communicating or is struggling with life stressors or loss of trust they might choose to refrain from sex until such problems are resolved. Such fasting can be healthy and appropriate.

I might encourage respectful sexual fasting if trust has been broken after an affair or if a spouse is struggling with pornography. Both of these can blow a hole in trust and since trust is necessary for healthy sex, a fast is appropriate until the issues are resolved.

I would also expect a possible fast while a couple is in a transition after a great loss. In this case, the problem isn't sex, but the loss may be so great as to override any sexual desire for some time until appropriate mourning is complete.

The most frequent trigger for fasting might be physical issues. This would be anything from a yeast infection to cancer, a heart attack to erectile dysfunction. Any such health condition hinders sex and triggers a sexual fast.

The reaction of the healthy partner regarding the fast would vary based on the health issue and it's duration. If the issue is small and short lived, it might not even be much of a problem. If the health issue is quite large it may overshadow the desire for sex.

What I would suggest, no matter what the health problem.

No matter the emotional struggle.

And no matter what the spiritual reasons (except perhaps an affair), intimacy should not be neglected.

No matter what you and you partner or spouse are going through, what keeps you close is not the sex, but the intimacy.

Intimacy is the foundation. Don't fast that!

Openness is also important. Share how you feel about the fast. Do so gently and respectfully. Watch out for selfishness remembering that sex is a gift to be given and not a right to demand. The partner has every right to withhold sex for any reason.

The hope with any fast is that it ends, that it ends better than it began. If the couple can remain intimate, loving and respectful, it should.

May your fasts be few and may you break-fast well.

Sex Part Four: Leftovers

Leftovers.

Most people keep them around, but would rather not have them for dinner. Sometimes they aren't so good reheated. Sometimes they stink up the whole fridge.

This is the way your past sex life can be.

It can stink things up.

It can make a mess. Especially if it is mixed in with your current sex life.

Memories of the past are a reality. Our past impacts and changes us. It shapes us.

It can help, but it can also hinder us.
If you are struggling in your current sex life, it might be time to revisit the past. I don't mean remember a good experience with an ex to daydream. That would likely be harmful. I mean to ponder the past to see if you are using your past to judge the present or if the past experiences has been negatively impacting your view of sex.

Has it made you leery of things now?

Maybe a past partner made a negative comment.

Maybe things went badly.

Maybe a partner from the past took advantage and you now feel uncomfortable.

Maybe the person said you were too aggressive.

Whatever it is, process the thoughts you have about it and how they impact your feelings. Remember, if you change your thoughts, your feelings change too.

Maybe this new partner is trustworthy. Maybe you can learn to relax and enjoy it.

Hmm.. Are you thinking this does'nt apply to you? Maybe you saved yourself for marriage. Great! But, that doesn't mean your past has no impact on your sexual activities now.

In actuality, everything you have ever heard or taught about sex, everything you have seen regarding sex and everything you hoped and feared regarding sex spills in on your current sex life.

Yes, you too have leftovers.

Regardless of what it is that makes up your leftovers, you need to clean them up.

You also should consider sharing the impact of your past on your thoughts and concerns. I don't mean to share details. They don't need to know and they certainly don't need to hear comparisons.

But, Maybe this partner would be willing to do things differently if they knew it would help.

Maybe they need to know your reactions or actions aren't because of something they said or did.

It was the leftovers.

Some leftovers should be thrown away.

Sometimes old memories are just that- old. Maybe it's time to clean out the fridge.

Sex Part Three: Sushi or Meat & Potatoes

So, here we are at part three. I called this one Sushi or Meat & Potatoes because though sushi is gaining in popularity, it is different. Meat & potatoes is more the status quo meal.

What am I referring to? Well, many couples struggle to find common ground as far as what they think is appropriate and inappropriate regarding sexual activities.

With some couples, it can be almost as hard as trying to decide where to go for dinner. Each one liking a different type of food.

Whether the disconnect is about positions, types of intercourse, play, etc., the main goal is to find a common ground wherein neither party compromises their own self respect.

Neither party should ever be made to or allow themselves to feel taken advantage of or humiliated. Mutual respect for boundaries is of first importance.

For example, if one party feels oral sex, anal sex or a certain position is wrong it may be that the other partner must accept that. However, it may also be important for the couple to discuss how they feel about it and or what they fear they might feel if they participate.

With some partners, especially women, there seems to be a prevalent fear of either being taken advantage of or being seen as, a "slut" or "tramp" for participating in certain things. Many say they "feel dirty" considering or participating in certain activity.

If said activity is illegal, there should be no push to consider such things. If not, counseling might help the partner explore the thoughts behind their feelings and if those are healthy, accurate or holding them back.

Sometimes couples simply need to openly discuss their concerns. Often, when they do they find their fears or concerns are no longer an issue as they were misunderstanding their partners thoughts, intentions, views or desires.

Though talking about sex is uncomfortable for many, open conversation is the best way to explore and resolve this type of intimacy issue.

In the end, the hope is there is enjoyable and agreeable  compromise in the bedroom.

It may be that you always want sushi and your partner only wants steak. Well, surf and turf may be the right mix for you both as a couple.

Or, maybe they try sushi and find they like it.

Like with food, the options are nearly endless.

I hear there is a Super Buffet open 24 hours.

Enjoy!

Sex Part Two: Takeout

Take out.

It's what you end up ordering when you are just too tired for anything else.

Tiredness, stress, kids, to-do lists, phone calls, work, deadlines, dental work, kids, car problems, your boss, oh and kids.

Did I mention kids?

These and more are reasons why intimacy can disappear from the radar in marriage.

Life happens.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "This is the life"? You probably saw it on a vacation web page you parused at a coffee break. But, the life you live is likely much busier.

Life can sweep intimacy right out the window. Unless...

Unless you make time for it.

Like many things in life intimacy doesn't happen on its own. As nice as that would be, it's not reality so don't let the movies fool you.

Want intimacy? Schedule it.

I don't mean map out what you are going to do in that time necessarily, though that make add some additional spice, but get some time booked in the calendar and make it happen. Block the time off and make it important. It will only stay in the calendar if it has priority.

So, maybe you are telling me you are just too tired. I won't argue about the likelihood of that. It is a reality, but maybe scheduling a half hour of intimacy with or without sex is more worth your time than checking Facebook.

Your emails.

The sports news.

Decide what is important to you or
what is more satisfactory.

You might be surprised how much better you sleep after that scheduled half hour.

Maybe the laundry won't get done.

Maybe the call goes to voicemail.

Maybe you won't care.

Maybe even the takeout can wait.

You've got better things to do.