Sex Part One: Popcorn or Tenderloin

Yep, I thought that would get your attention.

I see couples for counseling. They don't often bring up sex right away, but many couples harbor sexual struggles.

This doesn't necessarily mean they don't have sex, but maybe it's just not what it had been or maybe never has been what they hoped it would be.

What are the most prevalent struggles? Well, here are a few of the top chapter titles for my not yet written book on sex.

1. Popcorn or tenderloin.
2. Take Out.
3. Sushi or meant & potatoes.
4. Leftovers.
5. Fasting.
6. Fluffernutter.

The titles are for fun, but they represent real struggles. None of these struggles necessarily make sexual intercourse impossible. They do; however, hinder intimacy.

Let's start with number one for today as it is probably the biggest struggle I hear about in sessions because most of the time, it's true.

Popcorn or Tenderloin.

Basically, men generally orgasm faster than women.

(Oh, my. Did I just write orgasm in a blog? Yep. The word is hardly said by clients, but let's face it, it is the hope, right?)

Anyway...

Yes, generally men orgasm faster than women. This is why people comment that men are like microwaves and women are like slow cookers. In a way it's true. And, if you want a popcorn snack a microwave and a quickie might do. If you want the tenderloin dinner or the real thing with all the fixings, it takes time.

Orgasm for a woman often takes time.

The fact that men can often orgasm more quickly is great if the female partner wants her partner to "get it over with", but it's not good if both partners want to orgasm. If that is the goal, time is of the essence.

As is timing.

A great majority of a trigger for orgasm is in the mind, especially for women. Therefore, this is the place to start, and to start early.

Men, if you want to satisfy your female partner let her know ahead of time. Be suggestive. Drop hints. Start foreplay early.

Women, if you want to be satisfied, start thinking about intimacy beforehand and keep it in at least the back if your mind.

Someone needs to start the slow cooker because you can't microwave tenderlion. Sometimes a slow cooker can be turned on high, but often women and slow cookers work better with a slow simmer.

If intimacy can be in the back if a woman's mind all day, it's likely turning up the heat later will more likely work well.

The second part of this is foreplay.

It's the appetizer.

It's the engine reving.

It's the beginning of the slow simmer.

It's essential.

Even if a "quickie" is the goal it's unlikely a successful one happens without forthought and foreplay.

Hold hands. Call or text a hint. Hug. Bring up an old memory of successful interactions.

This is just the beginning of course. Additional physical touch, caresses and such are all suggested. Don't be quick to rush things or jump right into intercourse.

Remember, a slow simmered tenderloin is worth the effort and the wait.

Mutually successful sex is to.

It is unlikely such success will be achieved without any of such time and attention. The more of this, the more successful interactions should be.

Sex, like a meal was meant to be enjoyed, savored and satisfying.  So, save the popcorn for the movie and start the slow cooker.

Bon Apetit!

The Truth Is...

You make me so mad!

Aw, that makes me sad.

I'll make you sorry.

Um, nope.

No one can make someone feel a feeling. Yes, really. Contrary to popular discussion and phraseology, no one can make you feel and emotion.

This includes happy.

Emotions come from thoughts we allow ourselves to focus on and things we believe. As our thoughts go, so go our emotions. If we change our thoughts, our emotions will follow.

Movies use this truth all the time. At one point the audience may hate a character and be ready to nearly throw their ten dollar popcorn... till the heart of that character is revealed, then the villan becomes a hero.

It happens that fast.

It's like when a husband comes home late to an angry wife who found a receipt for a diamond ring and airline tickets... She is mad till he shares his surprise- a wedding vow renewal trip to Hawaii where she always dreamed of going.

See how that works?

We make ourselves mad.We make ourselves mad, sad, bored, happy, whatever... it's all us.

If we reframe our circumstances or choose to think differently, our feelings will follow.

Not only is it impossible for someone to make you feel a certain way, it is placing blame on the other for something they can't control. It puts the other person on the defensive and it harms communication.

So, next time you are angry realize you control it. Instead of saying, "Oh, you make me so mad!", realize the truth is more like, "Hm, I am allowing myself to get angry based on my thoughts... maybe I should reevaluate them."

The truth makes for a lot more humility and can diffuse an argument.

So, go find some happy thoughts and enjoy your ten dollar movie popcorn!

Don't SEL Out!

Marriage is easy! Okay, that's a lie from the pit of hell.

Maybe that was true the first few hours... Or minutes.

No, marriage is work. It can be awesome. It can be really, really hard.

But, it can't be good without hard work.

There is no place for laziness in marriage. It's not that you can't sleep in and vacation. You can... unless you have a newborn. But, I don't mean that kind of laziness. That kind is purposeful and enjoyable rest that can even be done together.

I mean the emotionally selfish kind.

Selfish emotional laziness is the biggest marriage killer. It is connected to all other issues.

What is this you ask?

Selfish emotional laziness (SEL) is my term for carelessness in emotional awareness and self control that discounts the needs of others, in this case your spouse.

It's when you know you were wrong and don't apologise.

It's when you get yourself water and don't offer your spouse any even though you thought of it.

It's when you spend money you don't have on self satisfying items you don't need.

It's when you feel hurt and don't work out a way to tell your partner nicely.

It's when you disrespect your partner and challenge or blame them instead of attempting love and humility.

It's taking sides instead of being a team.

See, in marriage you and your spouse are a team.

A unit.

One.

If the unit starts to hurt itself the whole team implodes.

In marriage each member must remain aware that whenever they are not actively aware of AND working at controlling their care for the other, they are hurting themself.
My grandfather used to say marriage is 60/40. Some days you give the 60% and sometimes you can only give 40%. I think he was close.

Marriage partners need to attempt more than 60% all the time. This is because one of you will often fall short of to 40%. If they manage 49% other is giving 60%, great! The problem is if both are only able to give 40% there is a deficit.

The goal is 100%, but the goal based on reality is likely 75-80% because life happens. If each is attempting to give all they can and there is grace for shortcomings, there will be plenty in the hard times.

I once heard a story, supposedly by C.S. Lewis about Heaven that went something like this:

There were two dining rooms. In the first there was a feast on the table, but the people were starving to death. In the second, the set up was the same, but the people were joyous and plump.

What was the problem?

Well, in the both rooms they only had three foot long forks. In the first room everyone was trying to feed themselves. In they second, they fed eachother.

Think of marriage in this way. If you both work at serving the other, you both get enough.

As long as you don't SEL out your partner, you can get through the times when things get really rough because there will be a history of team effort to fall back on when it is really needed. Without this, trust dwindles and grudges begin and there isn't much to fall back on when struggles come.

Be aware of how you are thinking and acting. Is it selfish? Is it lazy?

Are you SELing out on your spouse?

You'll only be hurting yourself.

Reframe #1

In life there are so many things to do and people we care about. At times it is overwhelming to take care of everything or protect them all.

Do you feel this way?

Here is an exercise for you.

List all the people and things you are worried about.

Here are some baseline examples for starters...

1. My job
2. My kids
3. My bills
4. My parents
5. My friends' salvation

Now list yours...

Once you have your list, let's correct it. Correct it you say, yes.

Here, let's correct my examples first and then you can correct yours.

1. HIS provision
2. HIS kids
3. HIS provision
4. HIS Beloved Children
5. HIS lost children

Okay, now yours. They are HIS. Reframe your list accordingly.

Remember, He cares more about these things than you do.

Trust them to Him.

Cast your cares on Him because HE cares for them and you.

Aha!

Has there ever been something in scripture that you have heard in sermons, seen or even read countless times and you thought you had it. You thought, "Yeah, yeah...", but then things changed.

All of a sudden you read that section or verse again and you are awestruck with a revelation. You wonder, was that always there?

How did I miss that?

I recall this happening many times. Years ago I remember reading Zephaniah and though I know I had read the Bible through several times, this time I saw Jesus everywhere. It all felt new. I wondered if somehow I had skipped it in past readings.

Was it there all along?

It was like I was blind, but then I saw. I saw Him!

The Spirit was bringing things to my attention. I was so excited I remember bringing the Bible out to my roommate rejoicing as if I got a raise. It was awesome.

Why isn't it always that way?

So many times scripture can feel dry. It can seem like your favorite jeans, well worn and comfortable. But, old none the less.

I pray scripture feels new to you today. I pray we all get some of those aha moments this week.

Maybe you had one today.

Maybe you need one today.

It's a reminder that the Word is alive!

May it speak to you today!

Rain

Rain.

Things are different when it's raining.

People tend to slow down. They become more contemplative and are hindered from some of the rush. Not everything can be done when it rains.

In a way rain reigns.

It has it's way.

As I understand it, it wasn't always this way. Noah didn't know what rain was. Water came up from the ground.

Rain was something new.

It certainly does feel like it makes things new. Rain is cooling. It is cleansing. It is essential.

I believe God felt it was essential to us. We needed to slow down.

We also needed to wait. Rain doesn't always come. Well, unless you live in Seattle or Florida.

Rain comes sometimes. Sometimes when we want it. Sometimes when we don't.

Rain seemingly chooses it's own coming.

It is not reliable. We must wait on it's coming.

It is like an answer from the Lord.

Though reliable, sometimes we have to wait.

Sometimes we feel like we are withering in the desert... Then it comes.

Rain in the desert is strong. It is longed for. It is almost too much for the ground to take in.

When desert rain comes, flowers follow. When God's answers come, we change, we bloom we flourish.

We wait. It rains.

He renews. He cleanses. We bloom.

His answers nourish.

Rain.

Things are always different when it's raining.

The Best Worship There Is

Recently I wrote a blog about Living Water. In it I noted ways one can worship. I listed music, reading or quiet time and enjoying His creation.

It brought to my attention that I missed the best type of worship. I alluded to it in my last points, but negated emphasizing it.

This worship is that of replication.

We act like Him.

We do what He did.

This is the most honoring. In this we emulate, acknowledge and affirm Him as worthy of so much that we want to be like him.

Many want to be "like Mike". They aspire to be like their hero as they play basketball like Michael Jordan or sing and dance like Michael Jackson.

We have all probably known someone who was someone famous' "biggest fan". They probably wore their t-shirt, tried to copy them and talked incessantly about that famous person.

Maybe you thought it was a bit over the top. Maybe you shook your head. Maybe it was you.

I want to be like that.

I want to be seen as a bit over the top. I don't care if people shake their head. I want to be His biggest fan.

I want to make Him my hero.

I want to honor Him, worship Him that way.

I want others to want to know Him because I show them who He is as they see how I am because of Him. I want them to see how satisfying He is because my life represents a glimpse of Him.

A glimpse of Love.

I also want to do what He did in worship of Him. I want Him to look at me and my attempts to mimic Him and say, "Well done my good and faithful servant".

He showed us this type of worship as He did what the Father was doing. Now, we are to do as we saw (heard of) Him doing.

So, what did He do?

Feed the hungry, heal the sick, cast out devils, raise the dead...

Do what He did.

He loved on broken people.

He loved in people like me... like us.

Now we get to do the same in our thankfulness and in our worship.

He is worthy!

The Lord's New Prayer?

The foundation of Christian prayer is the Lord's prayer which is found in Matthew 6.

But, that was before the crucifixion. Hmm...

What might Christ's suggested prayer be after his death and resurrection?  Would it change?

Our Father is still in Heaven and,  Holy, but, what about the Kingdom? Has it come?

If it has, should we still pray it comes or be thankful it is here? If it is here, what else should we pray?

That His will be done in earth as it is in heaven? Yes. Presently?

What would that mean?

Do we ask Him to provide, yes. And He provided a sacrifice... Our daily bread. Our communion.

What more does He wish to provide?

Forgiveness? Yes. Done, complete on the cross and ready for the taking.

As we forgive those... Our job. Being like Him is our job.

Lead us not unto temptation. Yes, we risk falling.

Deliver us from the evil one? Done and still, He continues protection as we trust Him to do so.

What about the last bit? Not every manuscript has it, but it is true and good. Power and Glory is His forever indeed.

No, these aren't answers. They are questions to ponder.

It is, as is notes in the Psalms, the will of God to conceal a matter, but they glory of kings to search it out. (Ps. 25:2)

Maybe today is a good day to search.

Change

Change. Even the word in itself can cause many to brace and prepare for the worst.

Some say change is the only constant thing there is. Maybe that is partly true. Change is also inevitable.

Some change is good and welcome. Usually, this is the controlled and expected change. Maybe you graduate high school or get married. Those things can be good. You usually see these coming.

Often, its the change we don't expect that can be the most unwanted. When we can't see it coming, plan or prepare. That is unsettling, unnerving and undesirable.

It's when a the dentist you feel comfortable with leaves the practice.

It's when your company tells you their doors are closing.

It's when your route to work has a detour... a long detour.

And these, these are the milder changes. There are some with much harder consequences.

Sometimes; however, even the hard and unexpected changes have the best results. Maybe the new dentist is better. Maybe the new insurance offers more. Maybe the detour shows you new places, things, and a really good coffee shop.

That's not so bad.

So, maybe the thing to do is to ride change out like a wave.

Maybe, the change is challenging. Maybe, it shakes things up. But, maybe things needed changing. Maybe a too well worn a path unearths rocks.

Maybe we get too comfortable.

All things stagnant wear away as the waves of change comes. Instead, if you are the one moving you are the one that moves the waters.

If you seek change, grab it by the horns and seek it like a surfer going after a wave- then when a big one comes they dive in ready to go.

Yes, in the ocean of change there are baracudas and sharks, but even swimming with the sharks can be a rush.

Living Water

We are about 65% water. For this reason we must drink more water all day long, drink till we are full.

We drink more of  "us".  We replenish, cleanse and renew ourselves. Then what it excess and unclean is flushed out.

See, here I almost lost you.  You were stuck on the potty weren't you?

Anyway, this isn't about the bathroom. It's about life. Pay attention, you can use the bathroom later.

If we think spiritually, how much are we to be made of "living water"? This promised water scripture notes. We must drink this to replenish, cleanse and renew. We also overflow.

Again, not about the bathroom.

Sometimes; however, our overflow becomes dirty or tainted. We haven't drank enough for our "stuff" to be watered down. When this happens we make a mess. Our selfishness, pride, greed, and fear oozes out, becomes concentrated and is then smeared all over the place like the stuff from Ghost Busters' Slimer everywhere we go.

We need to drink to excess.

We need more of Him flowing in us than "us".  We need to be 65% Living Water.

John 7:37 notes, "...Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink." But, not just so we have enough. He said in John 7:38 that, "Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them."

Okay, so we drink this living water and in hopes, not only to purify and replenish ourselves, but to water ourselves down so more of Him flows out. We drink Him in so that others will see Him.

As we drink He also becomes part of us. We become one with Him. We fellowship. We are one with Him as water we drink becomes part of us.

How do we drink then? Well, first we must thirst.

We need to recognize our deficit. We are inherently born thirsty for Him.The Lord gives us this thirst. This is noted in Revelation 21:6 where it is written, "...To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life"

He gives us this thirst for Him.

Then once we recognize this thirst, we drink through worship. Worship, like ice cream has many flavors. The one I most drink from is studying His Word. However, many worship through music. Many worship through enjoying in His creations. Many others have quiet times and reflect in other ways.

However you worship, it is drinking.

As I noted before, we can't just drink once. Drinking, or worshiping once only gives a taste. It is also selfish. We need to take in more than enough! We need Living Water to spare. It must "spring up" into "everlasting life". (John 4:14)

This everlasting life is for others. If you have been worshiping because you are a believer and you have the Living Water within then the "springing up" of water is for others.

Who are these others? They are the countless others He wishes to have as Children and wishes to bless through you. Not only will He pour out this water for you so that you have more than enough, He desires to spill it, smear it, even pour it all over others till they then overflow.

So- as you drink your water, the 65% you need to replenish, worship!

Drink! Drink Him in! Drink till you overflow.
Then pour it out!

There is no risk of drowning and even if it gets messy, He will clean up.

Not What, Who.

I so often hear parents talk to their kids about what they want to be when the grow up. They encourage them to be...

A scientist.
A ball player.
A fireman.

Excuse me while I shake my head.

Parents, you have it wrong. This isn't who they can be when they grow up. No, your child will never be a ball player. They might play ball, but that is not who they are.

It might seem like symantics, but who they are must be different, better, more than these doings. There are thousands, even millions who play ball. If all the child sets his or sights on being is a ball player that is a hollow and lowly goal that is sure to disapoint even if they are the "best" in their sport.

What differentiates them?

If instead they understand there is much more to being than what they "do" for work, this can give them satisfaction especially if they are taught who they are is enough.

Doing is good. We need to promote, teach and congratulate doing, especially doing well. But, being is where parenting has lost an opportunity to instill greatness.

Be authentic.
Be kind.
Be generous.
Be loving.

Be yourself.

It's good to be you. You are enough.

Enough

Today I tried to calm my son who was beside himself because he wanted to eat. What struck me was that even though the nipple of the bottle was in his mouth, he screamed on oblivious to it.

How many times do we do that?

Could it be true that maybe what we really need, what we desperately desire is right in front of us? Sometimes we scream looking for more when what we have is enough.

I ponder, when was the last time I looked around at what I have and rested thankfully? Just drank it in.

Am I striving for not?

My son, realizing he has the bottle in place drinks and is quieted. May I be quieted. May I rest in the present "enough."

I also consider myself as the child of a living God. He holds the bottle. All I need, He provides. It is and has been provided. It is "finished."

My son falls asleep in my lap. He is in perfect peace.

Father, may I rest in your arms.

You feed me. You hold me. I will rest.

No more striving.

I rest.

Hidden Survivors

There are women out there that I want to congratulate. These aren't the war heros back from over seas. They aren't those who have fought cancer and won. They aren't world changers who fight in the wars of politics. No, they fight wars no one sees, but when heard of, many judge.

These are the ones that live with or out lived daily physical torture only seen in movies. Dealt with emotional manipulation, beration and brain washing movies can't capture.

Media calls them abuse victims.

I call them survivors. To call them victims negates the stamina with which they endured what to us was impossible.

Bent, but not broken. Wounded, but not dead. Some barely alive, but they survived.

To those I say "congratulations!"

I say, "You go girl!"

You are heroes!

Many have called these women stupid. At times, they have made choices that had bad consequences, yes. Maybe they could have or should have... we judge. We weren't them. We weren't there. We don't know.

They know... all too well.

They endured.

No matter what they walked away with or without, they made it out.

Maybe you made it out.

I applaud you.

Some are still in there. I say, "Hold on. Fight to keep your strength unseen warrior. Don't give up!"

You are stronger than you realize.

The Problem isn't the Problem

Sometimes things happen that we don't like right?

I am not going to wait for the "Duh" post.

Most of our lives we are puzzled by things that don't happen the way we expect or like, or really, don't happen at all. Even sometimes the wonderful things in our lives surprise us. They come in packages we did not order and ways we did not ask for.

We are left shaking our heads.

Someone isn't.

God knows the plans He has for us (Jeremiah 29:11). These are plans for our good. The problems are that we don't have control and we don't see the future.

Mary "hates when that happens," but doesn't see the car that would have hit her if she hadn't spilled coffee all over her shirt running out the door.

Jane "just knows" that the person she wants to marry would good for her, but he won't notice her. Meanwhile, he is married.

Joe is so depressed because he thinks the job he "missed out on" would be perfect, but someone else gets it and they burn out in a month. 

The problem isn't always what we think it is. The problem comes when we control, plan and rush instead of trust, wait and allow. We don't believe God will work all things together for our Good. (Romans 8:28)

We all too often don't believe that what we call a problem might be a solution. We need to think outside our box, but since we can see the future it's hard.

No, this does not answer all of life's questions. You can read yesterday's blog for an answer for some of those answers. But, life is a lot easier when we trust the one that made us with the life He gave us.

I say, "Spill the coffee Lord!"

Why?

I, like many of you, have a large capacity filing cabinet of sorts in my mind that holds all kinds of stories.

Some are funny.

Some are romantic.

Some are heroic.

Others are ugly and horrific.

This last folder of stories I like to keep locked up and occasionally, I wish my mind had a shredder like I have in my office. I will not share any of these stories. You have your own. These are the stories that make you ask, “Why?”

It would be ridiculous and prideful for me to tell you I have “the” answer for why all they bad things in the world happen. I do; however, have an answer. You decide if you agree.

My answer is not that people are evil, nor God is angry. Both of these have been true. Still, the answer is more complex.

All people are not evil but, they are all selfish and self preserving. I am included.

God is not angry. He is Love. 

Okay, keep reading… you can disagree later if you wish.

Once upon a time these two things did not mix. Mankind distrusted God and in selfish greed and fear, they fell from God’s favor. This we know of as “the Fall” because they fell from favor. It is also called “the curse” because modern scripture translates the following as such.

Mankind had to face some consequences. From then on things would be hard. In fact, they would not make it alive on their own. From then on they would no longer have God walking with them and helping them directly with their problems... helping them survive.

Mankind couldn’t even make it one generation.

Mankind, then Adam and Eve, decided they wanted to separate from His will and from His help and protection in hiding. He let them. 

He is not a controlling God.

This not only left us unshielded from problems, it brought on problems because mankind does not have the mind of God. Men and women don’t love like God. Mankind is selfish and self preserving. This plays out in every “sin” there is. And every sin there is has a consequence. God named a few in the Genesis story, but we have seen many, many more play out through out time.

God’s word pretty much tells mankind that if they murder, steal, have an affair, lie, etc., etc. that there will be consequences. In scripture these actions are called “sins.”  In courts they are called charges. On television, they are called news stories. In my office, they are called wrongs done.

No matter what you call them. They hurt others. The “why” is triggered by or brought on by selfishness and self preservation. These are the roots of all pain.

Oh, unless you are talking about “natural disasters” right? Well, no, not really. Remember the fall?

Mankind was supposed to live within the safety of "the garden” where God would be taking care of them. There would have been no disasters there. They certainly would not be natural.

None of this was supposed to happen. We weren’t supposed to suffer these things, whatever you call them.

These things weren’t supposed to happen so we don’t have programming regarding how to deal with it. We do the best we can, but in our humanity we often hurt others as we scurry around to pick up the mess or hide to deal with our wounds.

Yes, good counsel helps in part, but really the only help is to call upon the one that is willing and can. He is the same one mankind turned away from and hid from. As long as mankind continues, the consequences will continue as well.

Parenting 101 No, No and Still No

Being a mom of two now I get to put into practice a great deal more of the counseling I used to dole out to parents. As you parents already know, everything is easier said than done especially with a two year old. Still, the concepts are the same and hold true.

There are three things I teach clients to hold to with kids. These are limit setting, consistency, and follow through.

Limit setting is vital with kids. In general you already knew that. You likely say no all the time. I do. But, limit setting is not all about the no. It's about wisdom, teaching and correction.

As a parent, we all want our kids safe, so no is essential and as far as running across the street, jumping off the table and touching pots on the stove it makes sense. Still, limit setting is broader it includes what they can watch, read, say, do, and of course not do. Communicating not only the limits, but that you have them, communicates safety and care.

Your kids may not communicate agreement, but later in life they will thank you they made it through childhood.

I heard once that there was a study done about limits. There were two play areas. One had a fence and the other did not. In the unfenced area the kids stayed towards the center of the space. In the fanced in area; however, they played right up to the edge. They felt comfortable because the limits gave them safety.

So, no you aren't being a bad parent when you say no to the third cookie, the horror movie or the two inch skirt. You are being a caring and effective parent. 

Consistency teaches kids that you can be trusted. It also allows for them to trust their surroundings and the routine. This in turn allows them to focus on other things like learning and being a kid.

Consistency at night for example means if you make bed time at 8PM and you at least start the bed time cycle at 7:30 and they are within reach of the pillow by 8 or the lights are off by 8 and you don't allow bedtime to be any time. As you make this a goal each night, they will get used to the routine.

This does not mean they won't push back on this whenever they see you allow them room. They will. But, you are more likely to get them to comply if they weren't allowed to stay up till 9 the night before.

Routine ties consistency with limit setting for you can use routine to assist with consistency. If the child knows that dinner is at 6, jammies are on at 7 and book reading begins at 7:30 they are more emotionally ready for the 8 PM bed time. They saw it coming.

Push back is testing for stability. You get that till the child knows they can trust the limits. If they feel the limit isn't firm they will test it till they know where the firm end of it is. Hopefully they don't get the firm back end in the process... No, I am not recommending this.

Positive consistency is also necessary. Kids need to know what makes their parents happy and proud of them. They want to know that they know how to obtain praise. Otherwise, they will scramble emotionally and physically to get attention and praise.

Side note: Praise is essential and really should have been #1 on the top ten parenting list, but that is for another blog.

Okay back to this blog.

Follow through is the third but, might be the hardest of the three or at least neck and neck with consistency. The best parenting rules and routines are just ideas until they are followed through on.

Follow through limits the parents as well as the kids though and therefore can be the most frustrating. One must be careful when communicating limits because what you say goes. I don't mean goes without respect and communication. I mean what you say will happen happens or doesn't if you said no. The hard part of this comes when you don't fully think through when you threaten.

For example, if you tell your child that unless they stop whining they can't go to the beach, guess what. If they keep whining, you don't get to go to the beach. See how that gets you?

For this reason, parents must work hard at making sure they don't throw threats out without being sure they will follow through. Instead of noting there will be no beach trip one might tell them they can't bring a certain item, might get a time out, or might have to sit in a chair at the beach for half an hour depending on the child's age.

The limit and punishment must be appropriate for the child's age. 

So, limit setting, consistency, and follow through. If you can master these (as well as praise) you have become the Yoda of all Jedi parents. Okay, so it's a long road of trial and error, but these should be the goals. The better you get at them the more peace you'll have in your home.

Oh, and for those who wondered, and I am sure many of you did, there is no Jedi mind trick that will get them to clean their rooms or make them sit still... and talking like Yoda will only make you sound silly because you set limits and they have yet to see that PG-13 movie.

Fear of Death

When you die... what then? Do you just go blank in nothingness like someone pulled the plug on a TV?

Do you wander the earth haunting those you left behind? What about heaven and hell? Do they exist? If so, which one will you end up in and why? What about those you left behind? What about cremation???

There are so many questions when talking about death and dying, far too many to even begin to answer in one blog.

For this reason, I will comment with regard to the fear in general. Fear comes from what you think and believe, right. So, let's start with thoughts.

One fears death because either they don't like what they think will happen or they are unsure of what will happen. In order to not be afraid of death (I don't mean the way you die, but what happens once dead) you must be at peace with the dialogue that is in your head about this or change it.

If your thought is that once you die the switch in your brain that allows you to perceive senses is turned off and everything ceases, you must decide if you are at peace with that. You must then also decide if you belive it unwaveringly. If not other options creep in and can instill fear or at least bring an unsettled feeling.

If you think you will be reincarnated then your beliefs should be in alignment with that. You must become at peace with a paradigm for that as far as what you might become and what might determine that.

If you think there might be an after life inclusive of heaven and hell then you should determine what you belive about that. You will need to explore what that entails and includes as well as what determines to which location you inevitably go.

Maybe you have another thought about it. If you are settled on it, then you likely have no fear about it.

Or, if you are not sure what you think then a time of searching is in order. Being unsure or on the fence is unsettling. I recommend searching these options out. Do some research so your thoughts have something to include that you can find peace in.

If you are from a Jewish family and wrestle with that read the writings, the Talmud perhaps or meet with a Rabbi. Or, read other faith's teaching to rule it out. If you are from a Christian background, read the Bible or meet with a pastor or priest. Or again, read other faith's writings to possibly rule them out. Search out wisdom and understanding.

My clients don't hear me say "become a Christian." I am one and at peace with dying because of it, but I encourage clients to find their own thoughts on which they can rest their faith and feelings.

It's your journey and your faith. It's also your peace and you must search it out.

Search till you find a line of thought that you agree with and brings feelings of peace. Once you do this your fears regarding dying will cease because you can rest in those thoughts and no longer wrestle with what-ifs.

When you settle on what you find peace in fear will no longer haunt you.

Fences, Windows and Doors

The book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend has to be one of the most useful books I have ever read.  I recommend it to most of my clients.

Boundaries has changed my life. Changing mine has brought freedom.

It's been far too long since I have read it so I can't quote a page, but the concepts are essential and healing.

You have the right to set and maintain boundaries. And, I would bet that unless you read and applied the book or were raised in the Brady house hold, you likely have skewed boundaries.

Maybe you have a mother in law that shows up without calling at all the wrong times.. and looks in the windows to see why you haven't opened the door yet. Yipe! Hope your bedroom is on the second floor!

Maybe your boss shows up at 5 and you end up at her dry cleaner's or on a conference call... at 2AM.

Maybe your girlfriend won't leave and you want to go to bed... without her.

These are all overt examples of bad boundaries.

There are essentially three kinds of boundaries. These I call fences, windows and doors. I like to refer to the second as bullet proof glass. More on that later.

Fences are the kind of boundaries that have space in between. Essentially, they are for friends and family who don't stress you out. They know where their personal space is and respect yours.

Bullet proof glass and doors are more complicated, but extremely important for your health and safety.

The bullet proof glass is suggested with people that you feel uncomfortable around, but that you choose to or must interact with. This kind of glass is perfect for these people. It acts like a protective filter.

Think of a prison. You can see the prisoner, but they cant get to you no matter how loud they scream. You choose to pick up the phone and listen to them. You choose to let them impact you. Or, you can hang up the phone.

The system of glass and phone in a prison is a boundary, but it also is a filter. You can filter the interaction.

I like to use the Matrix as an example when talking about such filters. In that first movie Neo can dodge bullets, but at the end he does not need to dodge them. They stop, he looks at them and he decided not to let them impact him and more.

Imagine your uncle Carmine, the one that likes to comment about the dress you wore, the hair style you wear or the second helping you took at Thanksgiving five years ago. Now, imagine you are Neo. You let the comments go as far as the glass, examine them, and figuring they come from a five foot four hundred pound man with a comb over. You let them fall to the ground.

It sounds easy, but with practice this can be incredibly freeing.

The last boundary, the door is reserved for harmful people. Sometimes you just need to decide they aren't benefiting you no matter who they are. You choose to close the door and end the relationship or at the very least change the lock.

Boundaries are not easy to set. Often, the person on the other end will resist, complain or even act out when their free for all is limited. But, the freedom in the long run will most likely be worth the initial pressure. The hope is that the person either realizes there has been an change and complies or simply gets used to the new boundary.

Sometimes, they even respect you for it even if you don't look like Neo in sunglasses and cargo pants.

Meatball Six O'clock

Marriage counseling can be a joy... and it can be like trying to referee a food fight at the zoo. Things from the past present and even the future are sometimes thrown around and you just deal with whatever sticks to the walls. The hope is that somewhere in a session or two a few things I attempt to teach, like the food, stick.

Couples come into marriages with assumptions. Some they are aware of and some they are not. Hopefully, the basics of these assumptions are the same for both spouses. Hopefully, they both assume they agree with whether or not they will live together, have sex, work, have some kids or no kids, and have disagreements, the last part being crucial.

Unfortunately, often these are not the same. That can cause huge issues. Yet, sometimes it’s the little things that do the most damage. Unlike the big disagreements the couple is aware of, over time it can be the little unseen and unaddressed assumptions that drive clients into my office.

He never walks the dog, but assumes he is encouraging her to take her daily walk because she keeps talking about her dress size. She never fills the gas tank and assumes it’s a manly thing because her father always did it. She gets upset when he doesn’t do the dishes, the laundry or the beds, all of which he watches her do because grew up watching his mother do while singing happily. 

Do you see how these can cause havoc? Do you see what they don’t even realize they have brought with these assumptions in to the marriage?

If she never tells him that she would rather share the walking and go to the gym. Or worse maybe her comments about dress size were only stated to get compliments… oh, the assumptions.

What a mess!

Watch out for that flying meatball!

You know that they say about the word assume.

One problem is generally, the spouses don’t even realize they have brought such assumptions with them to the marriage. The dog walking wife just calls her husband selfish. The gas pumping husband thinks the wife is disrespectful. The house cleaning wife yells at her husband for being lazy.  The assumptions about the “agreements” in the marriage are turning up the heat and anger is stored awaiting the food fight in my office at 6PM. 

The only way to deal with assumptions is to flush them out. The spouses both need to realize they have them, communicate them and then come to a new agreement based on their needs in their marriage.

Otherwise, the conflict will remain.

If the wife told her husband she really did not want to walk the dog and the husband were to realize his assumption was wrong they could reassess dog walking without the heat of feeling her feeling so wronged. She would realize he thought he was helping. And he might actually tell her she looks ma-vel-ous!

Ignorance isn’t always bliss.

If the gas pumping husband realized the wife was actually thought she was somehow preserving him his manliness based on her upbringing, he might not be so quick to slam the door of the car. Maybe she actually did not mind pumping or maybe he would think differently about the task.

The house cleaning wife who probably played the martyr card on a daily basis might not be tempted to throw the leftovers from the sink at the “lazy” husband. Maybe he would be willing to partner with her realizing housework did not feel like quarters to her house cleaning jukebox.

The hope is that if the spouses aren’t selfish or narcissistic at heart, the conflict can be lessened by bringing assumptions to light.

I may still think I work at the zoo Wednesdays at 6PM, but at least the menu would be lighter.

What assumptions are you bringing into the marriage? Most will be from your family example growing up. Maybe you would benefit from considering this before you fling that saucy meatball across the table.

Lions, Mack Trucks and Sharks

A large majority of my clients have come to my office because of fear and anxiety. Though there seems to be an almost endless array of things that one could be afraid of I think there are basically two kinds. Fears that show wisdom and anxiety that hinders living.

When I work with a client dealing with fear and anxiety I most often talk about lions. Lions? Yes, and zebras. You see, if you were a zebra you'd probably be hanging out around a nice watering hole. The nice breeze wafting by and warm sun soothing you. But, if you heard a stick break everything suddenly would change. You freeze as the muscles in your body clench. Your heart races. You suddenly count the number of things it could be and scan the horizon for any of those preparing to flee and fast! All of this is wise. All of this is normal because what broke the stick could be a lion.

The zebra's mind and body reacted as it should because there was a potential for true harm. In the face of oncoming danger they fight flee or freeze. Zebras should fear lions. However; unless you are going on safari or live in Africa, you should not need to. If you live in fear of lions, but live in Portland, Maine thinking and acting like the zebra hinders you instead of safeguarding you.

Let's put it another way. If you were driving down the street and there was a Mack truck on your side of the road, you should be afraid. All of your muscles should react in preparation. You should feel adrenaline. You'd better search for options and choose one that protects you from harm. This is healthy and normal.

The problem comes when you feel all of these same feelings, but there is no Mack truck. Without such it is called a panic attack. In my book, this is not really fear, but anxiety. When you live like there is a lion at your door or a "what if" just around the corner, this hinders living and your health.

Sometimes this anxiety can and should be medicated. Sometimes this anxiety is due to a chemical imbalance. For example, I often suggest clients have their thyroid tested just in case they are feeling anxiety due to thyroid issues. Other times, anxiety is a battle of the mind and needs to be fought with thought.

Thoughts trigger feelings and feelings trigger action. Let me note this again as I feel it is foundational.
Thoughts trigger feelings and feelings trigger action.

I say this in sessions all the time because if you allow a fearful thought to linger in your mind long enough it changes how you feel. Then, sooner or later you will act on your feelings physically, either within your body or outside of it. The longer you continue in those thoughts, the stronger your feelings will last and the longer more frequently you will react or act out.

For example, I have what I like to call a very healthy respect for sharks. In other words, I am afraid of sharks. Come on now, I know I am not alone here. Many of you start feeling your heart speed up just hearing it... "Dun dun. Dun dun. Dun..."

This fear of sharks makes no difference to me more than ninety percent of the time because I don't live near the ocean and I don't work at an aquarium. On the occasion that I do end up with the blessing of wading in the ocean; however, the back of my mind wanders right over to scenes from the movie Jaws or that one episode of Shark Week I regret watching. If I let it stay there I will start to feel my heart speed up. My breathing will change. I will start scanning the water as if I have shark radar and I will consider the fastest way out of the water!

If I am in the same water, but instead purposely pay attention to the waves, the sounds and focus on enjoying the ocean I won't have any of those reactions. I will remain in the water peacefully and that's a good thing especially because, as I understand it, sharks love it when you panic.

The key then is to change the thoughts. If only it were that easy you say. Well, technically it is, but in practice it is very hard. It takes work, persistence and practice. It is easy to let your brain follow the same line of thought it always has. It does what it has been trained to do like a horse drawn carriage with well worn divots to follow along. It takes choices and hard work to train or reprogram it otherwise.

The key is in the reprogramming.  

This One's For All the Single Ladies... and Gentlemen

There are countless pieces of advice I could dole out for singles. I could blog about sex, that would raise some interest. Look, you are already reading faster. I could blog about communication. That is also important. I could even blog about ten ways to... well, never mind. Instead this is about choices.

I have seen and heard of far too many singles who have made bad choices. These choices, though they certainly can lead to sex, start out in a fish tank. Yup, a fish tank.

When you look for a mate where do you look? Do you look at your school? Your work? The Gym? The local pub? Of course. But, maybe you shouldn't. You see, far too many times people look around a think, "Who might fit?" If you think about this, they are limiting themselves to those people they see at that time and in that environment. They look in their fish tank. Yes, many people find their mate in one of these fish tanks and are thankful. They enjoy happy relationships and even marriage. But, there are countless others who settle for a fish just because they were in their tank.

Admit it, you have probably done this. You dated someone (that you later shook your head about) simply because they were the best you found at the time. You chose based on your fish in your tank. The problem was, you are not a fish and that one you went on a date with was not exactly a great catch. You settled.

Settling can never, ever, ever end up well. Think about it. Think about the last time you went to the mall, grocery, bar, gym etc. Who was there? Yes, maybe there was a really hot young thing there. And, maybe they had a spouse, another already on the side and an addiction. Nice choice. Or, maybe they are a introvert who reads two books a week in their favorite chair and you can't stay home more than an hour. This is a more realistic possibility, but you can see where I am going with this.

If you settle, this might be who you meet for dinner this weekend. Why? It's because you did not wait till you checked out another tank. Unlike fish, you can check out other tanks. You can even wait for the fish to change in the same one. You don't have to settle. Students don't need to date someone from their school. Those working don't have to find someone through work. And please, when you go to a bar especially if you only frequent one, don't order another drink hoping the crowd will seem more appealing. It won't especially if you wake up and have to do the walk of shame and that's what it will be if you settle, a darn shame.

Okay, so I guess I did write about sex. I wrote the word three times now and maybe that's why you are still reading this. Either way, the advice is out there. Just as there are plenty of fish in the sea, there are plenty of tanks to choose from.

Happy fishing!

Oh, and I promise my next blog won't mention fish.

I Don't "Counsel."

Okay, so that title is only half true. I am a "counselor" so I "counsel", but that is not the point. The point is that I don't have the wheel. Or, should I say I am not driving. Many of you are reading this thinking I am in need of counseling myself, but let me continue and maybe it will make some sort of sense.

I have been told I am not like other counselors. Over and over I have had clients tell me that I am different. They keep coming and present positive change, so I will assume that the difference is good and it's not that my off humor just keeps them coming. No, I know in my in most being what makes the difference. The difference is key.

See, I am not the main counselor in the room. The main counselor is the Lord. As long as He is leading, the counseling is good, in fact it is straight to the heart, motivating, and life changing. It is, more than any other counseling, heart changing! It is heart restoring.

This is the foundation of what I do... or don't do.

It is the brokenness of heart that leads people to counseling. The lack of love, weather it be in found in loss, trauma, rejection, or a list of other pains. They are lacking love. They come wondering, "Does anyone care?" "Am I unlovable?" or "Was it my lack that brought about this inflicted pain?" What the main counselor in the room (The Lord) wants to do is love them back to health; to tell them they are broken, but lovable. That they are enough even in their lack. That their darkness of mind, heart and acts are not too much to bear witness to and more than anything, that they are not a lost cause.

A lost cause. This is what every heart fears they are. That they have been hurt too many times, hurt others too many times, or just couldn't measure up enough to be worthy of some true care... or love.

When you sit with a client and listen to the Lord tell you about that client what you hear is not a list of highlighted failures. Instead, what I have heard is, "Look at them as I see them. Yes, they are broken, but I can fix them. I love them. I want you to love them for me. I want you to tell them they are enough, enough for me to love. They are lovable and there is hope."

This is the Groom watching His Bride. No matter what state she is in or what she is done, even though they have not even met yet he sees her and desires to woo her. He desires to help her. He wants to love her perfectly in spite of the brokenness.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't sit with clients and tell them this. These clients are most often not believers and in the room I am okay with that. In session He does not ask me to say His name and tell them He is the only way. He understands my restrictions. He just asks me to love them for Him and see them through His eyes. In working with the Lord, I know that He is asking me to let my heart be filled with His love and to let it overflow. As I meld His love with my training (which He led me through) and skills (which He gave to me) to help them heal.

As long as I would keep love at the forefront of my mind the sessions are positive and life changing.

Why am I telling you all this? I know that most of you who will read this are not counselors. I write this because if you got this far reading this God probably wanted to let you know this so you can go forward and help others too. Or, maybe you had the same questions as my clients and needed to hear He loves you.

He really, really loves you... more than you have faith to believe. More than any of our minds can grasp.

He loves the most broken people. I think He loves them the most. They need Him the most. They are the furthest from Him at times and as they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder. This is true for Christ. Like the widow and the lost coin, He seeks after the lost not the found.

Many people think of those who's brokenness is glaringly obvious can't come to the Lord or can't be loved till they are changed. Really? Is that the example Jesus showed? No, the very opposite in fact.

I love what Joyce Meyer noted in a sermon. She said, "You can't clean a fish till you catch it."

Yup, fish, like humans are dirty. Jesus wants us to fish. He wants us to be found with dirty hands, not in sin, but in love.

Go love on someone you think is "unlovable." You may find out not only how lovable they really are, but just how loving the Lord really is.