Couples come into marriages with assumptions. Some they are aware of and some they are not. Hopefully, the basics of these assumptions are the same for both spouses. Hopefully, they both assume they agree with whether or not they will live together, have sex, work, have some kids or no kids, and have disagreements, the last part being crucial.
Unfortunately, often these are not the same. That can cause huge issues. Yet, sometimes it’s the little things that do the most damage. Unlike the big disagreements the couple is aware of, over time it can be the little unseen and unaddressed assumptions that drive clients into my office.
He never walks the dog, but assumes he is encouraging her to take her daily walk because she keeps talking about her dress size. She never fills the gas tank and assumes it’s a manly thing because her father always did it. She gets upset when he doesn’t do the dishes, the laundry or the beds, all of which he watches her do because grew up watching his mother do while singing happily.
Do you see how these can cause havoc? Do you see what they don’t even realize they have brought with these assumptions in to the marriage?
If she never tells him that she would rather share the walking and go to the gym. Or worse maybe her comments about dress size were only stated to get compliments… oh, the assumptions.
What a mess!
Watch out for that flying meatball!
You know that they say about the word assume.
One problem is generally, the spouses don’t even realize they have brought such assumptions with them to the marriage. The dog walking wife just calls her husband selfish. The gas pumping husband thinks the wife is disrespectful. The house cleaning wife yells at her husband for being lazy. The assumptions about the “agreements” in the marriage are turning up the heat and anger is stored awaiting the food fight in my office at 6PM.
The only way to deal with assumptions is to flush them out. The spouses both need to realize they have them, communicate them and then come to a new agreement based on their needs in their marriage.
Otherwise, the conflict will remain.
If the wife told her husband she really did not want to walk the dog and the husband were to realize his assumption was wrong they could reassess dog walking without the heat of feeling her feeling so wronged. She would realize he thought he was helping. And he might actually tell her she looks ma-vel-ous!
Ignorance isn’t always bliss.
If the gas pumping husband realized the wife was actually thought she was somehow preserving him his manliness based on her upbringing, he might not be so quick to slam the door of the car. Maybe she actually did not mind pumping or maybe he would think differently about the task.
The house cleaning wife who probably played the martyr card on a daily basis might not be tempted to throw the leftovers from the sink at the “lazy” husband. Maybe he would be willing to partner with her realizing housework did not feel like quarters to her house cleaning jukebox.
The hope is that if the spouses aren’t selfish or narcissistic at heart, the conflict can be lessened by bringing assumptions to light.
I may still think I work at the zoo Wednesdays at 6PM, but at least the menu would be lighter.
What assumptions are you bringing into the marriage? Most will be from your family example growing up. Maybe you would benefit from considering this before you fling that saucy meatball across the table.
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