Fences, Windows and Doors

The book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend has to be one of the most useful books I have ever read.  I recommend it to most of my clients.

Boundaries has changed my life. Changing mine has brought freedom.

It's been far too long since I have read it so I can't quote a page, but the concepts are essential and healing.

You have the right to set and maintain boundaries. And, I would bet that unless you read and applied the book or were raised in the Brady house hold, you likely have skewed boundaries.

Maybe you have a mother in law that shows up without calling at all the wrong times.. and looks in the windows to see why you haven't opened the door yet. Yipe! Hope your bedroom is on the second floor!

Maybe your boss shows up at 5 and you end up at her dry cleaner's or on a conference call... at 2AM.

Maybe your girlfriend won't leave and you want to go to bed... without her.

These are all overt examples of bad boundaries.

There are essentially three kinds of boundaries. These I call fences, windows and doors. I like to refer to the second as bullet proof glass. More on that later.

Fences are the kind of boundaries that have space in between. Essentially, they are for friends and family who don't stress you out. They know where their personal space is and respect yours.

Bullet proof glass and doors are more complicated, but extremely important for your health and safety.

The bullet proof glass is suggested with people that you feel uncomfortable around, but that you choose to or must interact with. This kind of glass is perfect for these people. It acts like a protective filter.

Think of a prison. You can see the prisoner, but they cant get to you no matter how loud they scream. You choose to pick up the phone and listen to them. You choose to let them impact you. Or, you can hang up the phone.

The system of glass and phone in a prison is a boundary, but it also is a filter. You can filter the interaction.

I like to use the Matrix as an example when talking about such filters. In that first movie Neo can dodge bullets, but at the end he does not need to dodge them. They stop, he looks at them and he decided not to let them impact him and more.

Imagine your uncle Carmine, the one that likes to comment about the dress you wore, the hair style you wear or the second helping you took at Thanksgiving five years ago. Now, imagine you are Neo. You let the comments go as far as the glass, examine them, and figuring they come from a five foot four hundred pound man with a comb over. You let them fall to the ground.

It sounds easy, but with practice this can be incredibly freeing.

The last boundary, the door is reserved for harmful people. Sometimes you just need to decide they aren't benefiting you no matter who they are. You choose to close the door and end the relationship or at the very least change the lock.

Boundaries are not easy to set. Often, the person on the other end will resist, complain or even act out when their free for all is limited. But, the freedom in the long run will most likely be worth the initial pressure. The hope is that the person either realizes there has been an change and complies or simply gets used to the new boundary.

Sometimes, they even respect you for it even if you don't look like Neo in sunglasses and cargo pants.